Last Orders
by dawneh
Summary: A JPC future fic... years after the SE failed John Paul and Craig had parted... but John Paul's 34th birthday was about to change all that...
1. Chapter 1

On the eve of my 34th birthday I considered my life and came to the conclusion that it was pretty damn good. Not perfect maybe, but then whose life ever really is? Sure if I could there were things I would change but, as it stood, I was pretty happy.

I'd managed, somehow and I still don't know how, to land a job with an up and coming record label. A job which, amongst other things, meant getting to see numerous new bands playing live and then recommending only the best to the label. And as a result signing some pretty incredible talent before the opposition even knew they existed. I seemed to have some innate ability to recognise those bands who could actually make it, well either that or I'd been really lucky so far. On reflection it was probably the latter.

Along with the job I had developed the friendship of an amazing man. We'd hit it off from the moment we met in the label's small but modern offices, almost three years ago, and our friendship had blossomed from the very first word.

We seemed to share the same sense of humour, the same taste in music and the same view of life. We connected in a way I hadn't known since… well not for a very long time.

Nathan was an inch or two shorter than me, slender but still strongly muscular looking. His dark hair was swept back in a short style reminiscent of the 50's and his dark eyes always held that hint of humour and happiness that was often described as a "glint". He was a mate, a good mate, but more than that. Nathan was a confidant and a shoulder to lean on, just as I hoped I was for him.

Despite the connection we both felt, despite our closeness and mutual respect there had never been anything between us but friendship. I could look at Nathan and know I was seeing a handsome, attractive man and yet I was never personally attracted to him. Which is just as well as Nathan never really went for blondes, oh or for men! Although one drunken night he did tell me of some "experimenting" he did in his youth but later came to the decision that the female form was far more to his liking. And he had continued to enjoy the fairer sex ever since.

So I suppose the only major thing missing in my life, at the grand old age of 33 years, 11 months, 3 weeks, 6 days and about 20 hours, was love.

That's not so say I was without offers, plenty of which I took up too, and while that was good and physically satisfying it wasn't love. Even with the men who had lasted beyond a few heated tumbles in the bedroom it had never been love. Affection, sure. Fondness, of course. Love? I'm afraid not. And I knew it wasn't love because I'd had that once before.

At 23 years of age I watched the love I thought would last for the rest of my life begin to crumble. I had honestly believed that we were going to make it, that we had found the magic key to happiness and that key was each other. For the first few years together we'd been right as well.

Setting up home together in Dublin had been exciting and terrifying. Each day I expected something to go wrong and each day I woke to find the man I loved in my arms. Now that was love. Real honest to goodness, can't live without you love. We were a couple; happy, content… nothing could touch us or shake us. We'd been through hell to get where we were but we'd made it.

And then… it was over.

I can still remember the last thing he ever said to me. He. I don't know when I last used his name. The friends I have now, friends like Nathan, who have heard all about my broken love, still only know that man as "he". It's as if using his name would burn my mouth. By saying it I would make him real again and I couldn't do that. Losing him nearly destroyed me, reliving that loss surely would and so reducing the man who I had loved more than my own life to a mere "he" I somehow made it less real, less painful and I could talk about him without breaking down.

So there I was at 23, feeling my heart slowly breaking into a million pieces and not being able to stop it.

He had held my face that day. One hand on each side, holding me tendering but firmly and I dreaded the moment he would let go because I knew I would never experience his touch again.

His deep molten chocolate eyes were fixed on mine; his long dark lashes glistening with the tears that tumbled heavily down his cheeks, a perfect match for those that I wept as I prepared to hear him say goodbye.

We both knew it was coming and there was no escape. We had tried, so hard and for so long but ultimately we couldn't survive.

For a long time after I blamed him because I needed a reason. So in my mind I made up a million of them, but the reality was that the break up was nobodies fault, we just weren't meant to be. Maybe we had been too young, too idealistic, maybe we just hadn't realised that you needed more than love to make something work.

At the start we had been all we needed, just each other and that was enough. But eventually the reality of life had to sink in and I guess we just weren't strong enough to survive it. I was working as many nights as I could as a DJ at a local club and he would work all day, and sometimes late into the evening, in a financial company where he hoped to rise quickly through the ranks. After working so hard at his studies to gain the degree that got his foot in the door I knew that he had to work equally hard to impress his new employers, but that didn't make it any easier, for either of us.

In the end we hardly saw each other, our lives began to pull us in different directions and where we had once been soul mates we were slowly becoming strangers. And when we did find time for each other, rather than enjoying it we would, more often than not, end up arguing over the smallest thing until it was hard to remember what it was that was keeping us together.

"John Paul," his voice had been so soft, so filled with anguish and love that it tore at my very soul. My name had never sounded so beautiful or so terrible. "John Paul McQueen I love you… I have always loved you and I… I think I always will…" He swallowed hard as a fresh wash of tears coated his cheeks and I held my breath as I waited for the words that I knew I didn't want to hear but that I couldn't avoid.

"I love you," he said again, even softer this time, almost hushed, "But if I don't go now we're just gonna keep on fighting until… well I'm scared that I'll end up hating you and I… I couldn't bare that… I'm sorry John Paul… I… I'm just so sorry…"

He kissed me then. One last kiss, one final farewell. His mouth was warm and soft, moist with the fusion of our tears as I tried to memorise the sensation of his mouth against mine. Our lips trembled against each other's as our kiss mingled with our tears until he finally pulled back from me and all the warmth I had ever known was gone. I wanted to grab him and beg him not to go. To tell him that I loved him more than my own life; but I didn't. Because he already knew. I wanted to argue against what he had said but I couldn't. Because I knew he was right. I think we had both known for some time that what we had was dying, but I hadn't been brave enough to say it, finally one of us had to though and that strength had belonged to him.

As much as seeing him walking away, and never once looking back, broke my heart, I think that growing to hate him and have him hate me would have broken it more. For so many years he was my life, my heart and my soul. He was the reason I woke up every morning and the love that encompassed me while I slept. He was mine just as I was his and I had believed we would be for always. But I'd been wrong.

"Where are we going now?" I asked Nathan, my voice slightly slurred as my feet tangled themselves beneath me, causing me to trip and stumble slightly. It was some time after eleven thirty and I was a little tipsy. Quite a bit tipsy. OK I was a couple of pints short of being paralytic, but as Nathan had so convincingly explained – It was almost my birthday so I deserved to let my hair down.

The afternoon had begun with the six of us, but as one hour slid drunkenly into the next, each of my friends had said their goodbyes and faded away into the growing darkness of the night, leaving just the two of us to see if we could make it to midnight and welcome in the anniversary of my birth.

"We need another drink!" Nathan exclaimed gleefully, pushing me towards yet another pub and causing me to stagger through the doorway that I only just avoided crashing into. "And I think it's my round."

I tried to argue, as almost every round since we started out five hours earlier had seemed to be Nathan's round, but it was too late, he was already at the bar waiting to be served.

I looked around the pub as I sauntered over to join him, trying to look stone cold sober and probably failing miserably. I had vague recollections of the bar but it seemed different to how I recalled. Although the basic layout remained unchanged the gaudy flock wallpaper had been replaced and what had once been a sticky, dirty carpet was now a deep plush maroon that seems to caress my feet as I walked.

"Two lagers please," Nathan asked leaning against the bar and flashing the barmaid his brightest smile, his eyes twinkling with mischief.

The barmaid smiled back at him. Of course she was paid to smile at the customers, but I had never known a woman yet who was immune to the brightness of Nathan's charm.

In an involuntary act she ran one hand down the length of her hair, its golden locks resting on the tops of her shoulders and glistening under the fluorescent lights. Her smile was wide, her shiny pink lips parting to show a row of perfectly straight, white teeth and her eyes seemed to grow brighter, their blue becoming more intense as she looked at my friend.

Reaching for an empty pint glass the blonde woman broke eye contact with Nathan and poised the glass beneath the lager pump. A splutter of foam was her only reward and she smiled coyly, raising her eyes in amused apology as she turned her head to call through a door behind her.

"The lagers off… It wont be long," she said with a smile, "My husband will just have to change the barrel."

"That's alright," Nathan replied, resting his arms on the bar and leaning in a little closer, "Tell him he can take as long as he likes."

The barmaid giggled girlishly at Nathan's words, probably a well-practiced act used on all of the attractive customers who chose to flirt with her, but extracting a further smile from my friend all the same.

"What was that?" A voice called from the door that obviously led to the cellar.

Everything seemed to stop, or maybe it went faster, it certainly began to spin. Every drop of alcohol that I had consumed over the past few hours seemed to instantly find its way to my brain and I had to grip the bar to stop myself from falling down. But I knew it wasn't really the lager or the vodka or the triple sambucca shots that were making me feel like that. It was that sound, that voice, but I knew it couldn't really be and I took deep breaths to try and calm myself as the gap in the door was pushed open to reveal the barmaid's, or was it landlady's, husband.

"What was that?" the dark haired man asked again, a gentle affectionate hand coming to rest on the woman's shoulder, her own hand rising instinctively to meet it as she half turned to face him.

"The lager's gone off sweetheart," she said with a loving smile that showed just how fake the one she had shared with Nathan really was, "Could you get the barrel changed? We've got thirsty customers here."

The man turned to us to apologise for the delay and I saw the words die on his lips.

His eyes, like two molten chocolate pools, widened as they saw me and his mouth opened but no words came out. I couldn't take my gaze from his lips, their shape so painfully familiar even after all these years. And that drop of spilled chocolate that had formed into a mole resting on top of his upper lip, just where I had kissed it a million times.

"Craig," my ex-lover's wife prompted with a gentle push, "The barrel…"

"Right… yeah…" Craig turned and raced through the doorway as his wife turned her smile back towards Nathan and shrugged her shoulders with a small laugh.

I don't really remember leaving the bar, I don't recall turning and running out of there but I must have done because the next thing I knew I was standing in the gutter with my hands on my thighs as I vomited heavily onto the road. My whole body was trembling but I knew it wasn't the exertion of my retching that was causing it.

"I guess someone's had enough then," Nathan's voice said kindly from behind me, his hand patting my back as I stood shaking and gasping for air. "Time for home yeah?"

Wiping my mouth on the back of my hand I righted myself, I could feel the cool air against my face and I knew then that it was streaked with tears.

"John Paul what… what is it?" Nathan's brow furrowed with concern.

He had seen me drunk many times before, he'd seen me vomit until I though I would bring up my entire set of internal organs, but the look of worry on his face let me know the anguish that must have been showing on mine.

"It's… Craig…" I stammered, the sound of that man's name beautifully terrifying in my mouth. And I was right, saying it again after all this time burned, but it was a fire I relished because saying it again felt like breathing for the first time after living my life in a vacuum.

"What's Craig?" Nathan asked without comprehension.

"It is… he is… in there…"

"Yeah the new landlord…"

"You knew? You knew he was the new landlord in there and you still took me in?"

"John Paul you're not making any sense… who is he?"

"Craig!" I said as if that one name was explanation in itself, but of course it wasn't because Nathan had never once heard me utter that name before a few moments ago.

"John Paul tell me," Nathan urged, his hands gripping my shoulders firmly, strongly, his eyes bright with concern as he smiled his encouragement.

"Craig," I said again, the word only a whisper as I looked over Nathan's shoulder to gaze through the window of the pub. I saw Craig back behind the bar, taking to the beautiful blonde woman, his wife. I wondered if he was asking her where I had gone. I was hoping he was. I was hoping he wasn't.

"What about Craig?" Nathan asked.

"Craig he's… he's my HIM… he's the one… he's… he's… Craig…"

Nathan's brow furrowed for a moment and then his eyes grew wide with understanding. "You don't mean he's the one you told me about… from Dublin? The one big love?"

I nodded sadly as a fresh wave of tears poured from my eyes, Nathan's arm slipping around my shoulder to comfort me and offer the strength that I so desperately needed.

"I'm sorry mate," he said kindly, "I had no idea… How could I? If I'd know…"

"Get me home."

Somewhere in the distance I heard a church clock chime midnight. 'Happy birthday,' I thought to myself.

But it was far from it.

* * *

The morning of my 34th birthday dawned brightly, the dazzling sunlight streaming through the window and piercing my eyelids. I curse myself for forgetting to draw the curtains before I had fallen into bed, but then I hadn't been in much of a state for anything by the time I got home.

My head pounded with the sound of a dozen pneumatic drills as they tried their best to plunder my brain, my throat burned with the feel of ground glass and my stomach muscles ached from the constant retching that had lasted long after my stomach had been emptied.

I'd had hangovers before, plenty of them. You didn't work in the music industry without going on a bender or two, but this was different. It was different because it wasn't the physical discomfort that was so unbearable, I knew a few painkillers and several pints of cold fresh water would take the edge off that. It was the terrible ache in my chest that caused my breath to catch and a fresh wave of nausea hit me.

How could Craig Dean have appeared back in my life so casually? How could he have just been there like he had never been gone? And how could I still feel that terrible longing that I thought had long since passed?

Hoisting myself upright I groaned as all the agonies of my flesh assaulted me at once. Looking down at myself I grimaced. It seemed I hadn't so much made it into bed as ended up collapsing on top of it still fully dressed. My once pale blue shirt was wrinkled and covered in stains that I preferred not to think about and my black jeans were half undone but I hadn't managed to actually remove them. One shoe was still on my foot and I spotted the other across the room. I was just grateful that I wasn't in the view of any mirror because there was no doubting I must have been a terrible sight.

Flinging my legs off the bed I sat on the edge for a moment, waiting for the room to stop spinning, before getting to my feet and peeling the clothes off my body that felt grimy and uncomfortable, leaving them in a pile on the floor to be collected later, if and when I found the strength.

I'd always loved my studio apartment, located on an upper floor in a converted warehouse. Its open plan created a cool clear space devoid of any real clutter, with the possible exception of my own mini music studio in one corner, and looking around it always made me feel like I'd "made it".

But as I shuffled, naked and hunched over, to the bathroom, it felt cold and empty and I longed for the busy colourful home of my youth. I felt very alone.

Padding onto the cold white tiles of the bathroom floor I steeled myself as I stood before the sink, gripping its edge before slowly raising my eyes to the large mirror above it.

I winced at what I saw there.

My hair was stood up at unruly angles and appeared dirty and matted, the sight made my scalp itch. My eyes were red, bloodshot and swollen with dark rings beneath. I really did look as bad as I felt and I was relieved that I had had the foresight to take the rest of the week off work. No one needed to see the mess of a human being that I could see in the mirror.

Turning on the shower I gingerly stepped beneath the full force of the hot water, turning the dial until the temperature was almost enough to burn my skin. But at the same time it felt soothing as I shampooed and soaped away the grim that seemed to be clinging to me like a dirty overcoat.

Closing my eyes I raised my face into the pulsating stream of hot water and rested my hands against the moist tiles. My chest heaved as if I had been running for miles and my heart raced, pounding in my chest in a way it hadn't done for so many years.

Try as I might I couldn't keep the thoughts from my mind and, behind my darkened lids, I could see him again.

Craig. My Craig. Not the version of him that I had seen the previous night but the Craig I had known all those years ago. Memories tumbled over each other, vying for my attention, each one more painful and more wonderful than the last. I could hear him telling me he loved me for the first time, a drunken foolish childish kiss that had changed everything, I could feel his hands on me, pawing at me with a desperate longing that I had tried to resist and I could feel, clearer than anything else, how it was to hold him in my arms, to make love to him and to know he was mine.

Running my hands over my face I washed away the tears that had escaped from my closed eyes and turned off the shower. Wrapping myself in a large white towel and I made my way to the kitchen, a trail of water and moist footprints following my progress. The shower had made me feel more human but my body still craved a cure for its physical pains. I knew there would be no cure for the other pain I was feeling. How could there be?

* * *

A walk in the fresh air, I decided, what just what I needed to blow away the last vestiges of pain that the paracetamol hadn't cured. The tablets had been washed down with two large glasses of chilled water and followed by a very strong black coffee and I was starting to feel a bit more alive.

I didn't make any conscious decisions of where I was going, or at least I didn't admit as much to myself, but it wasn't a total surprise that my feet led me back to the pub I had raced out of several hours earlier.

Looking through the window I could see that the bar had only a smattering of customers that early in the afternoon and a dark haired young barmaid was stood leaning against the wall, twirling her hair around one finger and looking decidedly bored.

There was no sign of him. I laughed silently to myself, old habits and all that… there was no sign of Craig.

Taking a deep breath I pushed open the large wooden double doors and stepped inside. The familiar odour of alcohol that lingered in every bar I had ever visited rested in the air and my stomach flipped with a feeling of slight nausea for a moment before settling down again.

"What can I get ya?" The dark haired barmaid asked with a pleasant, if not very convincing, smile as she stepped forward. She looked young, probably not even 20 yet, and for a moment I envied her that, I wanted to be 20 again, to have the chance to do it all again, but better. Her neatly shaped eyebrows raised in a silent repetition of her question as her lightly lipsticked mouth curled into a small smile.

"Erm… I…" I hadn't thought this through. Should I ask for him? Should I order a drink? Should I just turn and run and save myself from whatever it was that would happen next. "Orange juice please," I heard myself saying, it looked like I was staying for at least one drink.

Sipping at my juice I glanced around the bar and it suddenly struck me what it was that was so eerily familiar about the place, despite the different layout there was something in the décor very reminiscent of The Dog in The Pond and I laughed softly to myself, almost expecting Frankie and Jack to appear at any moment.

"Quiet today," I said in some form of casual conversation directed at the, once again bored looking, barmaid.

"Yeah," She replied with a shrug of her shoulders, "Always is in the afternoons, don't know why they have me in but the landlady's always off out somewhere so I guess they need someone."

I tried not to flinch at thought of "the landlady"… Craig's wife. Taking another drink of juice I tried to keep my voice sounding as disinterested as possible.

"You worked here long then?" I asked, casually leaning on the bar and gulping down my drink.

The young woman smiled and ran her fingers slowly through her hair, I suddenly realised that she probably thought I was trying to chat her up. "Only a couple of months," she told me, "Just after the place was redone…"

"Oh… was that when the new couple took over then?"

"Yeah, place was a bit of a dump before… it's still a bit old fashioned looking if you ask me…"

Looking around at the décor again I couldn't help but smile. "I rather like it," I said as I drained the last of my orange juice. "Anyway I only stopped in for one… I'd better be going, thanks for the chat."

I'd realised as I sat there quite how ridiculous I was being. What did I think would happen? Was I really expecting Craig to fall into my arms again after all this time? Did I even want him to? We'd tried and we'd failed and sitting in the bar he now ran with his wife I realised that it was better to have the memories of what we'd been than to hope for what we never could. We were different people than we had once been, we'd both moved on and I didn't even know the Craig Dean who ran the bar I was sitting in so how could I believe I still loved him? If anything I was possibly in love with a memory, and that was the best place for what we had to remain.

With one last look around the pub I let out a relieved breath that he, Craig, hadn't come into the bar while I was still there and I could get away with my dignity intact. He never even needed to know I'd been there.

I suddenly felt calm as I pushed open the doors to make my exit.

And there he was.

Craig Dean. Preparing to enter the building just as I was preparing to leave.

We both froze mid-step and stared at each other.

I couldn't think of a single word to say, I wasn't even sure I was breathing. I didn't know if I wanted to kiss him or turn and run away. I did neither; instead I just stood there like a lifeless sculpture, frozen in the doorway of the pub unable to move.

"John Paul," he said finally, his voice breaking the spell and I gasped in a lungful of air, my head spinning as the sudden rush of oxygen filled my body. "It WAS you I saw yesterday," he continued with an uncertain smile, "You were gone so quickly I thought I must have imagined it…"

"It was me," I confirmed, my voice sounded distant and hollow in my head and I wanted to be stood anywhere but in that doorway right then.

"Right," Craig said, his dark eyes looking as confused as I felt. Should we embrace? Shake hands? Smile and walk away? Why had I even gone back there in the first place? "You left though… last night…" Craig continued.

"Yeah."

"OK… erm…"

"Look I should go," I said quickly. I needed to get out of there, I needed to be as far away from him as I could get because no matter how illogical I tried to convince myself that it was, my heart was aching with a longing that I could no longer satisfy. "I only stopped by to… I shouldn't have… I…"

"It's good to see you." Craig smiled. A real smile. A smile that began deep within him and shone brightly through his eyes and I had no choice but to return that smile until we were both grinning inanely at each other.

"You too," I replied and I realised I meant it. It really was good to see him. How many times over the years had I wondered where he was and how he was and now he was there, only an arms width away from me, close enough to reach out and hold.

I'm sure I was staring, taking in every detail that I could and storing it deep within my memory in case I never got the chance again. His deep brown eyes, glistened like melted chocolate, that touch of humour and passion still sparkling deep within them, his full soft lips curved into a warm smile that I couldn't help but echo as I watched the mole above his top lip dance as he spoke.

"You haven't changed," Craig said, making me smile more and reach up to touch my hair nervously.

"I'm older…"

"Who isn't… but you look good, you really do."

"So do you… I'm… it's nice to see you're doing OK… but I really should go."

Craig's smile faltered and he looked a little disappointed. "Oh well if you have to rush off," he said with a shrug. "I suppose you have to get back to your boyfriend…"

"Who?"

"The guy you were with last night…"

"Oh… oh no, he's just a friend." It could have been my imagination or wishful thinking but for a moment Craig looked pleased, and I was glad he did.

"I could make you a coffee," Craig suggested, "I mean if you're not in a rush?"

"I…" I knew I should say no, I knew it. "I'd like that… thanks."


	2. Chapter 2

I don't know what I was expecting as I followed Craig to the flat above the pub. I think a part of me assumed that, just like the décor of the bar, the living area would bear an uncanny resemblance to The Dog in the Pond. But I couldn't have been more wrong.

Opening the door to the main living area Craig stepped back to allow me to enter ahead of him. As I walked in I looked around for something familiar, for something of the Craig I had known. But there was nothing.

The walls of the room were of a bright clean magnolia, the plainness of the colour broken up by a scattering of abstract paintings that looked almost, but not quite, entirely out of place amongst the rest of the furnishings.

The carpet was a deep maroon colour, a shade that was continued through the curtains and a smattering of cushions that were stacked upon the white leather sofa and accompanying chair.

At an invitation by the wave of Craig's hand I took a seat on the sofa while he placed himself on the chair, perching on the edge with his hands gripping onto the seat cushion. He looked as uncertain and as uncomfortable as I felt.

What the hell was I even doing there?

We sat there for a while, just sitting, staring, not saying anything. It felt like hours but it was probably only a few minutes, still long enough for me to drink in the sight of him.

Craig's hair was dark and silky, the light from the window to his left making it glisten in a way that made my fingers itch to stroke it. It was longer than I remembered, slightly curling as it touched the collar of his shirt. The half smile was still present on his lips, broken only by the occasional flicker of a nervous tongue as his eyes connected with mine briefly before darting away again.

His white shirt was open at the top button, allowing me a glimpse of his Adam's apple as it bobbed up and down as he swallowed and his firm muscular thighs were clad in faded blue denim, his muscles tensing beneath the fabric.

Finally my eyes rested on Craig's hands. Those strong fingers that once caressed me so gently and touched me deeply and intimately. Hands that had brought me to the peak of ecstasy time and time again.

And then I caught a glimpse of the gold band around his finger and I was brought crashing back to reality. Craig Dean was now a married man and, a part of me hoped, a happily married man.

I cleared my throat nervously as I sought the words to make my excuses and leave.

"You're looking well," Craig said before I could speak, "I couldn't believe it when I saw you last night and then you were gone and I… well I thought I must have just imagined it."

"Yeah I…" What could I say? That the very sight of him had made me turn and run? "Think I'd had a few too many," I finished lamely. Well it was at least partly true.

"I'm glad you came back." Craig smiled, his eyes shining so brightly, such deep mysterious pools that I felt like I was about to fall into them, never to find my way out.

"I'm not sure why I did," I admitted quietly.

"Coffee!" Craig said suddenly as he jumped to his feet, "I forgot to put the kettle on…"

"No really I…" Getting up from the sofa I shook my head as I began to walk slowly towards the door, "Forget the coffee I shouldn't… Craig I really shouldn't be here…"

"John Paul?"

The sound of my name in his voice after all those years was beautiful but at the same time it tore at me. I could hear echoes of our past in Craig's voice, the times he had called out my name in passion or whispered it in my ear as we held each other close, a hundred different moments that I had locked away deep inside because they were too painful to remember.

"I shouldn't be here," I repeated quietly, "I'll go and we can… let's just pretend this never happened eh?"

"Wait." In a heartbeat Craig was before me, I could feel the heat of his skin and the burning of his stare. "I…"

Craig's hands cupped my face gently, just as they had done a thousand times before, as they had done the day we parted, my eyes closed involuntarily as I relished the warmth of his touch.

"I've missed you," Craig breathed, his breath bathing my skin and making me shiver. "I've often wondered where you were and how you were doing…"

"Craig," I replied, the name falling from my lips in a whispered moan as I opened my eyes and saw something that stole my breath from my lungs.

In the depths of Craig Dean's beautiful chocolate coloured eyes I saw a reflection of everything that I knew must have been shining from mine. The loss, the longing, the desire and above all the love.

We might not have seen each other for years but it was still there as deep and as frightening as ever. Although I may have long since denied the fact to myself my love for that dark haired man had never really died, we had parted not because we didn't love each other but because we did… we still did.

Craig's tongue ran nervously over his lips, the action both moistening them and taunting me as I found my hands gripping onto his hips, I don't remember moving them but suddenly I was holding on so tightly as if I was afraid to let go, afraid that if I lost contact with him he would cease to be real.

"John Paul…" My name was breathed hotly against my mouth and before I could find a reply Craig's lips crashed against mine, his hands slipping to the back of my head and his fingers curled into my hair pulling it hard as the weight of his body pushed me back against a wall and he kissed me with an intensity I had forgotten could even exist.

I parted my lips, urging his tongue inside my mouth, caressing it with my own and sucking against it with the hunger of a man who had long since been denied true sustenance. The soft scratch of the light dusting of Craig's stubble against my face was electrifying, reawakening senses that I had long forgotten.

My hands slid down over Craig's hips and back to cup the firmness of his buttocks as he ground his groin against mine. I could feel the hardness of him rubbing against my own desperate desire and I gripped him tighter, pulling him into me as hard as I could.

I wanted him so badly that I could hardly think or breathe or do anything but feel the overwhelming need that he sparked in me. Our tongues danced in the combined heat of our mouths as we kissed fiercely, Craig's fingers clawed at my scalp and I pulled his shirt from the back of his jeans, my hands searching for the seductive heat of his flesh.

Pulling on my hair Craig broke our kiss, his mouth sinking to my neck where he feasted on my skin. I whimpered as I felt his teeth sinking into my flesh, the sensation making my whole body shudder with pleasure as my hands began to fumble with the buckle of his belt.

Craig bit harder, making me gasp and moan, the button and zip of his jeans melting away beneath my touch until I could slide one hand into the heat of his boxers, my fingers wrapping around the fullness of his erect cock to the groans of pleasure panted against my neck.

I could feel Craig's body shudder at my touch as I stroked my hand along his length, my thumb teasing over the already leaking head of his cock making Craig gasp loudly as his mouth sought mine once more.

I felt drunk and elated, excited and terrified, a million different emotions colliding through me and crashing against each other with the unexpected joy of holding Craig in my arms again, of hearing him moan as I touched him and knowing that he wanted me, he still wanted me.

And then it stopped.

With a loud gasp Craig stepped back, his hands firm against my chest as he pushed himself away, and then quickly darting to his groin to push his erection back inside his jeans.

"I'm sorry," Craig panted, his face flushed and his gaze looking anywhere but at me, "I shouldn't have… I… God John Paul I'm sorry…" Craig's right hand gripped his left, his fingers nervously spinning the simple gold band around and around.

I felt as if I'd been hit by a truck. The elation I had felt only seconds early now replaced by crushing disappointment. Following the direction of Craig's gaze I spotted something I hadn't seen, or had chosen not to see, earlier.

Standing proudly in the centre of the sideboard was a simple gold picture frame, it was elegant and classy but I knew it wasn't the frame that had become the focus of Craig's attention but rather the picture contained within.

"I'm sorry," I said, echoing Craig's words, "I shouldn't have come here…"

Craig continued to stare at the picture, almost as if he was consciously avoiding looking at me.

It was obviously a beautiful sunny day, the day of Craig's wedding and the couple looked filled with all the joys they should have on the day of their marriage.

She looked beautiful, the blonde woman, the woman I had seen the previous night. Craig's wife. And Craig looked so content, so handsome and happy and for a moment I hated him for it. But only for a moment.

"I am sorry I… it's just that I…" Craig's eyes turned back to me and I saw something in them that tore at my heart, an echo of something I had seen so many years ago.

Craig loved his wife, in that instant I had no doubt of that fact. And he loved me. In his eyes I saw Craig's turmoil, the uncertainty and confusion as he tried to reconcile the emotions that I had awoken in him, just as he had awoken them in me.

My presence in Craig's life again would cause him nothing but pain, so I did the only thing I could do at that moment.

"It's OK," I said kindly, smiling at him despite the desperate desire to cry, "I'll go… I shouldn't have… I'll just go… Goodbye Craig."

Taking a deep breath I pulled open the door.

"John Paul," Craig said quietly, making me pause for a moment, "Happy birthday."

Closing my eyes for a second I forced the tears to stay inside as I took another step forwards and closed the door behind me. Rubbing my hands over my face I shook my head to steady myself and then I left.

* * *

I don't know how long it took me to get back home, I just seemed to wander aimlessly for a while, I didn't really want the seclusion of my own four walls but in the end I had no other destination to head for.

I could have gone to see Nathan, but I knew that within minutes I would have ended up telling him everything and I wasn't ready to do that, not when it was so raw. For so long Craig had just been "him" and now… now he was Craig again and I didn't know how to cope with that, I wasn't sure I really could.

As I opened the door to my studio apartment I heard the beeping of my answer phone telling me of the messages waiting for me. Dropping the post that I had picked up on my way in on the table I pressed the button and smiled as I listened to the voices that bubbled from the machine.

One after one my mother and my sisters sang a tuneless happy birthday down the telephone to me, each one complaining that I wasn't there to receive their greeting in person before wishing me a good day. I laughed as I wondered what they would think if they had known why I wasn't home to take their calls.

My mail contained an assortment of bills and birthday cards; the bills were carefully put to one side to be dealt with later and the cards stood across my mantelpiece. I knew that the cards were gestures of love but as I looked at them they only served to remind me of two things. I was getting older, and I was alone.

As the day wore on I found myself sprawled, naked but for my boxers, across my sofa, still allowing the machine to answer any calls for me, calls which ceased as the day moved into evening, my eyes gazing at endless films on the television, not one of which I could later name or even recall.

My eyes might have been seeing the actors playing out their fictional lives before me but all my mind could see was Craig.

And it wasn't just that I could see him. I could still hear him, feel him and smell him. My lips still tingled with memory of his kiss and my skin held onto the sensation of his stubble scratching softly against it. And I could still smell his aftershave, it was on my skin and in my hair, I couldn't believe he still wore it, the fragrance I had chosen for him our first year in Dublin, the scent that to me would always be Craig Dean.

Closing my eyes I lay back, all pretence at watching the television abandoned, instead I chose to revel in the pictures that danced through my head.

My hand rested on my belly as I relived that afternoons encounter but instead of it ending where it did I allowed my imagination to create another reality.

Instead of pulling away from me I felt Craig's hand mirror what mine was doing to him as it slid into my boxers, touching me in a way that made me groan loudly into a kiss that was more frantic and hungry than ever before.

"I've been dreaming about doing this for so long," Craig whispered in my ear, his teeth nibbling at my lobe before he sank to his knees before me.

I let out an incoherent cry as Craig's hot wet mouth encased the head of my cock and sucked, gently, so very gently, his tongue dancing along the slit that was dribbling precum into his mouth. Craig's lips slowly worked their way up my length, the pressure of his suction increasing the deeper he took me into his mouth until I was completely consumed by him, both physically and mentally.

I knew I couldn't last very long under such intense and wonderful pressure and I began to pant out Craig's name, urging him to go faster, suck me harder, to make me come, I wanted that release so badly I could hardly bare the wait.

Within moments my whole body began to shake, my balls throbbed and my thighs ached as I felt my climax build up inside me. I threw my head back, and arched my body as I came, my cock spattering wave after wave of hot come over my belly until I was spent and I relaxed back against the sofa the reality of the situation returning to me. It hadn't been Craig's beautiful mouth that had pleasured me but my own hand, Craig's presence had just been a wonderful fantasy.

With a sigh I accepted the truth. From now on that was all that Craig would ever be. A fantasy.

* * *

And so for the next three weeks I didn't think about Craig at all. OK maybe I thought about him, but not a lot. Well some... you know, occasionally, yes alright a hell of a lot.

The truth is that, as hard as I tried, I couldn't get him out of my head. I was thrown back in time to being a teenager again, hopelessly in love with the one person I couldn't have and I hated him for it.

What right did he have to come back into my life like that? To kiss me and make me want him all over again when he knew it couldn't happen? And I know that it was unreasonable to blame him, after all I chose to seek him out again, I chose to go up to the flat with him when I knew it was a bad idea, but somehow blaming him was easier. Telling myself I should hate him was easier than aching with the worst kind of love that there is, unrequited.

"You alright mate?" Nathan asked with a warm squeeze to my shoulder as he paused on his way past my desk.

I smiled up at my friend. He was the only person I'd told about what happened in the flat above Craig's pub on the afternoon of my birthday. He had sat with me into the early hours the following night while I poured my heart out and soaked his shoulder with my tears, he had topped up my whiskey glass and told me things would be alright and, I assume, when the alcohol had finally over taken me, he had put me to bed and then spent the night on my sofa just in case I needed him.

I shrugged and gestured to the half written press release on my computer screen. I was supposed to be writing a rave review of the labels latest signing and their upcoming album but the words wouldn't come. It wasn't that they weren't a great band, after all they were one that I had discovered and then recommended, but my enthusiasm for most things was at a low ebb.

"Give us a look," Nathan offered, pulling up a chair beside my own and reading over the couple of hundred words that I had managed to conjure up.

I couldn't help but smile as Nathan instinctively picked up a pen and began to gnaw on its end. It was something I had witnessed him doing a thousand times before, as his brow furrowed in concentration and his eyes danced over the document on my screen. I sometimes wondered what I had done to deserve a friend like Nathan, from the moment we met I had known he would be someone I could rely on, and not once in the intervening years had he ever shown me otherwise.

After twenty minutes, and a lot of help from Nathan, the press release was looking far more presentable, finally suggesting that our new signing was a band to keep an eye on rather than the lukewarm review of their music I had managed.

"Oy McQueen, you got a minute?" My boss called from his office door, not waiting for a response before going back to his desk, the door left open in the correct assumption that I would quickly be following him.

"What's up?" I asked as I entered his office and closed the door behind me.

At thirty eight Alan Sculp was only a few years my senior in age, but as the man who had started his own record label from a small studio in his garage and subsequently built it up to the growing success it now was, had earned the respect of a much older man, and even the few employees who were chronologically older than him still looked up to him with awe.

He was strong willed and driven and as such had no time for wasters or slackers, but if you worked hard and achieved your goals then Alan was not the sort to scrimp on praise and even monetary rewards when he felt the circumstances justified. The first bonus I was paid after "discovering" a band that went on to have a number one smash hit paid for the deposit on my studio apartment.

"How's it going?" Alan asked, leaning on his desk and smiling at me as he waved me into a chair opposite. His eyes always seemed to shine with good humour and it was rare to see him losing his temper, but if he did you knew his anger was justified. His hair was almost jet black, which he wore slicked back with gel, but the past few years had seen it becoming peppered with silver, especially at the temples. But the greying of his hair did nothing to detract from the man's inherent attractiveness, if anything it probably added to it.

Alan Sculp was the sort of man who could easily turn heads when he walked into a room, his very presence as well as his looks demanding attention, yet he seemed unaware of the fact. Behind his polished exterior there still lived the echoes of a man whose wife left after a prolonged affair with another man, but not just any man, his closest friend.

The man who was now the sole owner of a rapidly growing, and incredibly successful, record label had once been a broken shell who had thrown himself into music as his only means of escape and he could often be heard citing his personal experience as an example of how to turn something bad into something good, something very good.

"Alright," I replied, mirroring Alan's smile with my own, "Just about finished that press release for Blue Sunrise."

Alan nodded in a manner that suggested he hadn't doubted my work would be completed on time or that it was my work he was asking after.

"You've looked a little distracted over the last couple of days," Alan said kindly.

"Shit I'm sorry… I mean if my work's not been up to scratch…"

"I wasn't suggesting that John Paul," Alan replied, "You've never let me down since you started working here and I doubt you ever will… but if there's something wrong… something you need to talk about, to get help with?"

I sighed softly and shrugged. "It's nothing, really," I said, "Bit of relationship drama… but it's sorted now… you know how it goes."

"Yeah I know that one… but you know you can come to me if there is anything… You're one of my brightest John Paul and if you need help…"

"Yeah Alan… and thanks… but it's OK, really."

"Good."

"If that's all…"

"Oh there was one other thing," Alan said as he picked up a piece of paper from his desk and handed it to me. "New band I've been hearing a few whispers about… think you should check them out… RodeoTraffik… stupid name but still, go and see if they're worth anything eh?"

"Yeah no worries," I replied, taking the note, the words jumping out at me and making me gasp as if I had just been struck.

RodeoTraffik, 8pm tonight, The Sailor and Mermaid.

It had to be didn't it? I was trying to forget, to pretend I hadn't seen him again. So where else would my boss be sending me that evening but back to Craig's pub?

"You alright John Paul?" Nathan asked as I slumped into my chair, the evening's instructions still gripped tightly in my hand. With a shrug, and I'm sure a pained grimace, I handed the piece of paper to my friend.

"I don't get it," Nathan said with a frown. "You don't like that band or something?"

"No idea, I've never seen them," I replied, "It's not the band that's the problem."

"So..?"

"The Sailor and Mermaid?"

"And..?"

"Nathan," I said with an exasperated sigh, "The Sailor and Mermaid? That's… it's… it's HIS pub isn't it…"

"Oh! Oh shit!"

"Exactly."

"Do you have to go?"

"It's my job isn't it?" I said taking the note back and looking at it again, half hoping that the name of the pub would have magically changed. "And they could be the 'next big thing', I can hardly risk that can I?"

"D'you want me to go for you?" Nathan offered with a bright eyed, generous smile.

"You?" I asked, laughing gently.

"Yeah why not?"

"Nathan, mate," I said, "You're the best graphic designer I know… the artwork you've produce for this label is amazing – it couldn't be better… but you know fuck all about decent music!"

"Oi!" Nathan objected before joining in my laughter.

It was true though. Despite working for such a successful record label Nathan's taste in music was mainstream to say the least, and sometimes it was just downright atrocious. But I had long since given up trying to influence my friends taste. After all that was the beauty of music – there was enough variety to appeal to everyone, and who had the right to claim their preference was "better" than someone else's? Not me.

"Well I could come with you?" Nathan offered.

Giving my friend's shoulder a playful shove I smiled. "That'd be good… thanks."

Walking back into Craig's pub would be hard but at least having my friend at my side should make it a bit more bearable.

* * *

"You OK?" Nathan's hand was strong and steadying as it gripped my shoulder.

"Yeah… just another job right?" I knew my lie didn't convince either of us but Nathan still smiled his agreement, his eye sparkling brightly, as he pushed open the doors to The Sailor and Mermaid and we stepped inside.

I had done this countless times before, visiting a bar or a club on the lookout for new talent, sometimes just on spec and others, like tonight, because of a prior recommendation. It was hardly the most difficult part of my job, going to a pub or club and listening to a band. If I was lucky they would be worth approaching to bring into the studio to record a few demos, if not I would just walk away and no one would ever know I'd been there.

Going to see RodeoTraffik should have been the same, but it wasn't, not on any level. Even before I'd left my apartment my mind wasn't on the music. I'd tried on a dozen outfits before returning to the short sleeved black shirt and ebony jeans, and it wasn't because Craig had once commented how good I looked in something similar, of course it wasn't. Just like it wasn't the thought of seeing Craig again that made my hands tremble as I walked through the semi-crowded pub towards the bar.

I was grateful to have Nathan at my side, not only as a support but also a distraction, his constant chatter helped to keep my mind from dwelling. Would Craig be there? Would he see me? Would he want to see me? So many questions I couldn't have an answer to.

"Orange juice?" Nathan asked as he leant on the bar, flashing his winning smile at the young brunette who came forward to serve him.

"Please," I answered with a nod. Despite the fact that at that moment I could have done with something stronger I had long since made it my policy not to drink until after the band I was there to see had played, I'd been caught out before when an alcohol impaired mind had seen talent where there was only mediocrity.

Gripping my juice tightly in one hand, in a vain attempt to stop the ice rattling against the side of the glass, I looked around the pub. Just casually taking in my surroundings I told myself, not looking for anything in particular.

In one corner I could see the band starting to set up their equipment. They didn't instantly strike me as anything special, but then how much impression could four twenty-something lads in jeans and t-shirts really make? I giggled to myself at the idea, I'm sure under different circumstances such a thing could make quite an impression indeed!

"Something funny?" Nathan asked as he stood at my side, a pint of lager in one hand and the other touching his hair to make sure it was perfect. And it was, it always was.

"Nothing," I replied, "Just me being silly…"

"Fair enough… so..?"

"So?"

"No sign of him?"

"Dunno… I wasn't looking…"

"Yeah right!"

"I wasn't I…" I stopped talking as Nathan's dark eyes observed me knowingly. He knew me too well, frighteningly well sometimes, even when I managed to lie to myself I had never been able to lie to him, he could see through me as easily as my mother used to. "No, no sign…" I finished lamely as Nathan grinned around a mouthful of lager.

"Good! John Paul you really don't need the hassle… it's better if you just leave all that in the past and…" Nathan's words ended abruptly and I knew why without even turning to follow the path of his gaze.

"He's here isn't he?"

"Doesn't mean you have to talk to him…"

"I know… I just…" I couldn't stop myself, or maybe it was nearer to the truth to say I didn't want to, but in a heartbeat I had turned around to face him.

Craig was still a distance away across the pub but, as I looked at him and he turned his face to meet my stare, I felt as if he were only inches from me. I could see rich chocolate of his eyes and the impossibly beautiful lashes that framed them, I could see the soft pink of his lips and the small mole that rested above the upper one.

And then, in a heart wrenching moment, I could see his hand resting on the shoulder of the woman at his side. She was smiling, her head turned to one side as she listened to whatever it was he was saying, one hand strayed unconsciously to her hair, smoothing down the locks that were already perfect as they glistened golden in the subdued lighting of the bar.

I wanted to hate her, I wanted to find her hideous, to pick fault with something, anything, her clothes, her hair, her makeup. Anything to give me the right not to like her, but I couldn't. She was beautiful in an understated way that suggested she wasn't even aware of the fact; her black dress that fell just below her knees was simple and elegant. Blinking back tears I had no right to shed I laughed to myself. She was everything that Frankie Dean had always wanted for her youngest son.

I realised I was staring, my eyes had become fixed on Craig's mouth, watching his lips moving as he talked but I couldn't look away. I wanted to run forward and grab him, to kiss him hard, until his lips were bruised and he was marked as mine.

Instead I turned away and forced a faked smile at Nathan as he shrugged his shoulders sympathetically.

"Sorry mate…"

"Not to worry… the band better be worth it eh?"

I fixed my attention on the young men who had almost finished setting up their equipment. They weren't especially handsome but there was something appealing about each one and the marketing portion of my mind knew that that would be a great help if we were to sign them. Looking them all over my attention lingered on the drummer, tucked away at the back and usually the least noticed, least appreciated, a much baser part of my mind conjured up a few things I would like to do to him.

"John Paul?"

I froze. He was stood behind me. Craig. My Craig. No, not my Craig, her Craig. I wanted to flee, so somehow pretend that I hadn't heard him and just turn and run, but of course I didn't. The instant I turned to face him I wished I had.

"Craig." I said with, what I hoped was a calm steady smile. "Good to see you."

Craig smiled back at me, a smile that had once turned my knees to jelly but its impact was somewhat lessened by the blonde woman at his side. Why would he bring her over to me? What reason on earth could there be for my ex-lover to present his wife?

"See I told you it was him," the woman said, her elbow nudging into Craig's ribs as she laughed softly and smiled at me. "I told him," she continued, turning her attention to me. "'That looks like your John Paul' I said, but would he listen… of course not… well you know Craig… but I recognised you instantly…"

I frowned, shaking my head, as my eyes darted between Craig and the woman.

"I'm sorry," she said patting my arm in an overly familiar way. "Here's me going on and you're probably wondering who the hell the mad woman is… I'm Helena… Craig's wife…"

Helena held out her hand to me and I felt trapped, I had no option but to shake it. Her grip was gentle and her skin soft and smooth to the touch, her fingernails were long, but not excessively so, coated in a subtle pink varnish that was echoed in the colour of her lipstick.

"Do you … know me?" I asked, my brow still furrowed with confusion.

"Well I feel like I do," Helena said with a bright smile, I've seen that many photos of you… that's how I recognised you from over the other side of the bar… Craig's told me all about you…"

A sudden flash of warning from the depths of Craig's eyes told me that wasn't entirely true.

"I was such a shame when you two lost touch," Helena continued, oblivious to the look her husband was giving me, "But I guess that's what happens when people finish uni and move away… and look at you now… both here again… who would have thought?"

"Who indeed," I replied with a smile.

"Craig… aren't you going to say something?" Helena asked with a teasing smile.

"When you stop talking long enough to give me a chance," he replied. I wanted there to be bitterness in his words but there wasn't, just a tender affection that I resented hearing.

"So err… what brings you here?" Craig said, the words 'back here' lingering in the air between us, unspoken.

"The band," I replied simply. "I work for a record label… here to see if they're any good…"

"Really!" Helena enthused, "Oh let me introduce you to Tony… he's the drummer… good friend of mine… I think you'd like him!"

"No!" I snapped, more harshly that I intended, "Sorry it's just… it's better not to meet the band before I hear them play… helps stop me having any preconceptions of them…"

"Oh I see… that makes sense I suppose… later maybe."

"Maybe… where are my manners… I haven't introduced you to my friend," gesturing to Nathan I smiled.

"Hi I'm Nathan," Nathan said, offering his hand to Helena and somehow managing to smoothly walk her away while never ceasing to talk, leaving me facing Craig and uncertain of what to say to him.

"So," I said after an uncomfortable pause, "Your wife knows all about me eh?"

"Well you know," Craig said with a shrug.

"No I don't… why don't you tell me?"

"John Paul… please… don't…" Craig's eyes were wide and deep and I could feel myself falling into them but now, more than ever, I couldn't risk that fall. I couldn't love him. It would hurt too much.

"No go on," I goaded, "Tell me… what does she know about me… about us? Not as much as she thinks obviously… so what did you tell her?"

"That we were mates… best mates…"

"Is that all?"

"It's the truth?"

"No Craig it isn't…" Leaning forward I whispered hotly into Craig's ear, the closeness of him making my heart pound hard and fast. "We were lovers Craig… you don't fuck your mates… unless you…"

"You know it was never like that… it was just you John Paul… you know it was just you."

I shouldn't have found such pleasure in those words, but I did. Somehow knowing that another man, any other man, had touched him the way I had would have lessened what we had. He was mine, at least for a while, and what we had was unique, is was us. It was just us.

Before I could speak again the sound of the band starting up filled the bar.

"I should…" I mouthed, pointing towards the corner where RodeoTraffik were already beginning their first number.

"Yeah," Craig mouthed back before turning away and leaving me to do what I had gone there for.

* * *

I woke up with a banging head. The night might have started with orange juice but it certainly hadn't ended that way.

RodeoTraffik had proved to be far above my expectations and had insisted on my joining them in celebrating their possible signing to Ne-O-Phonics.

I couldn't remember much past midnight, but the stale taste of whiskey in my mouth and the smell if it on my clothes told me that the celebrating had gone on for some time.

A groan from the living room made me sit up, an action which in itself was not an easy feat. Every inch of my body wanted to crawl under the duvet and stay there, possibly forever.

"Nathan?" I called in a voice that croaked and spoke of a late night and too much drink.

"Leave me alone, I'm dying…" Nathan croaked back from my sofa.

"Did we have a good night?"

"I don't see how we can have…"

"Why?"

"I ended up coming home with you!"

I groaned loudly at the ringing of my mobile, the tune was that of our most recent signing and seemed to vibrate painfully in my head.

"Yes?" I snapped into the mouthpiece as I answered.

"John Paul?"

"Craig?"

"I erm…"

"What?" I could hear a voice in the background, a woman's voice obviously instructing Craig what to say.

"Helena was wondering… err we were wondering… if you fancied coming out for a meal tomorrow night… you know to catch up?"

I couldn't think of anything I would want less, an evening with Craig and his wife, it sounded like pure torture and the tone of Craig's voice told me that he felt the same.

"Oh please say yes," Helena's bright voice chirped suddenly on the line. "It'd be great for you and Craig to catch up… and I could invite Tony… it'd be like a double date… please John Paul… say you'll come."

My drink impaired brain struggled for a get out, something, anything to say why I couldn't go but, when I opened my mouth the only words that tumbled from it were, "Great, I'd love to."

Ending the call I fell back onto my bed and groaned even louder.

Fuck!


	3. Chapter 3

As evenings go I would have to say that a meal out with my ex, his wife and a guy I didn't actually know had to rate amongst one of the most awkward experiences of my life.

For the most part the conversation was stilted and lacking substance. Helena was under the natural assumption that, having not seen each other for so many years, her husband and I would have lots of catching up to do. And in many ways I think that we did. But not then and not with other people around.

I had never been so relieved to see the arrival of our meal just to give me something to do. At that point I wouldn't have cared what was served or how badly it was cooked. It was an excuse not to have to make conversation and as such was a blessing.

But the night wasn't all bad. Not all.

There were moments; brief tantalising moments that, as much as I hate to admit it, made it all seem worthwhile.

Moments when Craig's eyes would meet mine and for an instant I would see it again. I would see the longing in those deep chocolate pools that I knew must be radiating from my own eyes. Moments when it would feel like there was only the two of us in the whole restaurant and I could pretend that we hadn't lost the life we had once shared together.

And then Helena or Tony would speak and the illusion would be shattered.

Craig was a married man. And me? Well I guess I was on a date with that cute young drummer.

At the end of the meal I finally thought that I was free and the evening would at last be over. But it wasn't going to be that simple.

"Why don't we nip to the bar next door?" Helena asked with a bright smile. How was it possible to hate and like someone so much at the same time? Under different circumstances I could have seen a friendship between myself at that lovely woman but as it was I was so jealous of what she had, who she had, that I was constantly trying to find faults and probably even creating some where none lay.

"Yeah great." Why did I say that? Why on earth didn't I claim an early start in the morning and say I had to get home? Why? Simple really, because no matter how wrong and stupid it might have been I still wanted to have that time with Craig. Just to be near him again, to be able to see him and talk to him, it might have been painful but it was a pain that was worth it every time he smiled at me. A smile that I knew was just mine.

The bar was relatively quiet when we entered, especially quiet considering it was a weekend, but then it didn't really have the appeal that most young party-goes were looking for. The décor was simple and elegant, the mahogany bar highly polished and glistening under the subdued lighting while a variety of eclectic music played in the background, loud enough to be heard but not so loud as to render conversation difficult.

After claiming a table Craig went to order our drinks, leaving me alone with his wife and the young drummer. The silence between us made me squirm in my seat as I searched for something, anything to say, just to make conversation, to break the awkwardness.

"So how's the band going?" I finally asked Tony, deciding on the safest topic of conversation.

"Good," he replied with a bright smile, his eyes sparkling with the enthusiasm of someone who had found their dream and was now getting to live it. "It's been amazing being in the studio, Alan's a great guy…"

"Isn't he!" I agreed, "He says you're doing well too, so that's a good sign… Alan's very rarely wrong."

"He still doesn't like the name though…"

"You should trust his judgement," I advised, squeezing Tony's forearm as I spoke and noticing, even in their relaxed state the firmness of his muscles. "He knows the music business and, no offence, but RodeoTraffik is pretty bad… who came up with it?"

Tony's cheeks flushed a soft pink and his eyes darted down to the table.

"Ahh sorry," I said with a small laugh.

"It's OK," Tony replied smiling shyly. Watching him perform the previous week Tony had seemed full of confidence but now, sat beside me in a quiet pub there was a shy vulnerability to him that was incredibly endearing and, I had to admit, rather attractive.

"Here we go," Craig announced as he placed a tray of drinks down on the table, instantly pulling my attention away from the young man at my side to bask momentarily in the deep brown warmth of Craig's eyes.

"Orange juice?" I queried as Helena took a sip from her glass, I hadn't registered it at the time but looking back I realised that during the meal Craig's wife had avoided the wine completely.

"Err yeah," she replied coyly, her gaze connecting briefly with Craig's and I am sure I saw him shaking his head, but Helena either missed the gesture or chose to ignore it because she carried on speaking. "See the thing is," she said with a smile that lit up her face and increased her beauty considerably, "Me and Craig are trying for a baby."

"That's… that's brilliant," I lied, the words burning like hot ashes in my mouth as I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I didn't realise until that moment, or at least I hadn't admitted it to myself, but despite the fact that he was married a part of me had still harboured a hope that somehow Craig would be mine again. With four words Helena had destroyed the dream 'trying for a baby'.

I could hear Tony offering his congratulations as I emptied my whisky glass, my gaze fixed firmly on Craig despite the fact that he couldn't or wouldn't look at me.

"A baby eh?" I heard myself say. I felt strangely removed from the situation, as if I was observing it from outside myself, watching the hope die in my eyes with each passing moment.

"It's not been easy," Helena continued, her expression a mixture of hope and regret and despite myself I felt for her. "We'd been trying for a couple of years," Helena leant forward on the table as if she were letting us in on a great conspiracy. "And we'd had no luck so we… you know… went for tests and stuff and they said we'd never conceive naturally."

"I'm sorry," I said, taking Helena's hand and squeezing it gently, my sympathy genuine, I could remember my elder sister's own longing for a child and I knew the pain it could cause when that was taken from you.

"Thanks," Helena smiled, "But it's not like we've given up… have we Craig?"

Craig just half smiled and nodded, he looked almost guilty but what did he have to be guilty about? He wanted a child with his wife, that was how it was supposed to go after all.

"So for the last six months," Helena was saying, making me turn my attention back to the blonde woman, "We've been on IVF… that's how we ended up at The Sailor and Mermaid actually."

"I don't get the connection…" I said curiously.

"It's not cheap… IVF…" Craig's voice startled me, it was as if I hadn't expected him to join in the conversation. "So we had to sell our house and running a pub comes with free accommodation… and obviously I'd had experience with The Dog… so… well it seemed the obvious answer…"

"I see," I replied, "Well… you know… good luck… really… I hope you get what you want."

"Thank you," Helena replied, her blue eyes sparkling with hope. Craig didn't answer and his smile seemed fake, or maybe that was just wishful thinking on my part.

Several rounds later the combination of lager, whiskey and Craig had gone to my head. I wasn't drunk as such, but I certainly wasn't sober and I knew my judgement was becoming impaired but I didn't care.

Deep in a conversation about the music industry with Tony I had placed one hand on his thigh as I leaned in closer to talk and, from the corner of my eye, I saw something that made my pulse race. Something that I hadn't seen in a long time but it got to me in the same was as it always had. Flashing across the handsome features of Craig's face was sheer jealousy. Craig's eyes glowed darkly and, as I moved a little closer to Tony and whispered in his ear, I could almost see sparks flying from Craig's gaze. I half expected him to pull me away from the young drummer and I was slightly disappointed when he didn't.

"My round I think," I said, getting to my feet, "Same again?"

"I'll give you a hand," Craig said as he got up and followed me to the bar. "What are you doing?" Craig hissed as we got out of earshot of Helena and Tony.

"I'm buying more drinks," I replied slightly sarcastically, "That's what you do in a pub."

"You know what I mean," Craig snarled, his jealously was almost tangible and the look on his face both excited and annoyed me.

"Not sure I do," I lied, turning my back on Craig as I ordered the drinks.

"Him," Craig spat, "You're all over him… it's embarrassing…"

"Tony doesn't seem to be complaining," I said with a smile that I deliberately directed back to the table, "In fact I'd say he was enjoying it…"

"So what? You're serious about him are you?"

"Maybe…"

"You gonna fuck him?"

"I just might…" My eyes locked with Craig's and for a moment neither of us moved or blinked, my groin was aching with the tension between us. "Maybe I'll invite him back to mine tonight," I taunted, "And give him a good hard seeing to…" Leaning into Craig I whispered hotly into his ear, "Remember how much you used to love me fucking you? I wonder if I can make him moan like you used to…"

"Fuck you," Craig snapped as he picked up two of the drinks and returned to our table.

"Any time," I said quietly to myself.

* * *

So there I was, half cut and horny.

When I got back to the table I increased my flirting with Tony ten-fold, letting my hand "accidentally" brush over his groin just when I knew Craig was looking. I noticed Helena grinning out of the corner of my eye and I realised that she was probably pleased that her plan of setting me up with her friend was working out so well, I doubt her smile would have been so bright if she had known the real incentive to my actions.

"I think it's time we were going," Helena said with a nudge to Craig's side.

"It's only early," Craig grumbled, making me smile to myself at the knowledge that he didn't want to leave me alone with Tony.

"Craig I'm tired," Helena complained, "Come on I want to go… and I'm sure these two wont miss us." Helena winked as she spoke and I couldn't hold back a giggle.

Getting to her feet Helena was quickly ushering Craig out of the pub as they said their goodbyes, Helena turning at the last second and blowing a kiss back to where I was sitting with Tony's hand very far up my thigh.

"Looks like it's just the two of us," Tony said quietly, his teeth suddenly nipping at my neck as his hand cupped my groin.

A small voice in the back of my head told me I should stop things there and then but when I opened my mouth to tell Tony nothing was going to happen between us very different words came out.

"Back to mine then?"

"Thought you'd never ask."

What the hell. He was hot and I was horny. I tried my hardest to pretend that Craig knowing what I would be doing wasn't an added turn on but I could still see the jealously burning in his eyes and that was always such a painfully sexy look.

* * *

We had barely got into my apartment before Tony had me pinned against the wall, kicking the door closed behind him as he crashed his mouth hard against mine.

It seemed that a wild animal lived behind the façade of a shy drummer but as his tongue plundered my mouth and his hand pushed its way into my boxers I knew that I didn't mind. There was a time and a place for shyness and this was not it.

"God I've been wanting to do this all night," Tony groaned as he began pulling at my clothes, "Much as I like Helena and Craig I couldn't wait for them to fuck off!"

Stepping back for a second Tony dropped his shirt to the floor, and I wasn't disappointed with what I saw. Although slender, years of drumming had built his muscles to perfection, an abstract design circled his right bicep and I couldn't resist reaching out to touch it.

"You like?" Tony asked with a grin and a nod to his tattoo.

"Yeah…" I answered, but I don't know if it was just the tattoo I was talking about.

"Good," Tony said, his tongue back inside my mouth before I could speak again, but I wasn't especially interested in the young drummers conversation and we both knew it.

Somehow my shirt ended up crumpled on the floor, although I don't remember taking it off, and my jeans and boxers were suddenly bunched around my knees, allowing my cock to stand out hard and aching before me.

Tony's fingers circled the base of my cock and slowly ran the length of it to the very tip, his eyes fixed on his action and that made me turn my gaze to what he was doing. For a few minutes we stood almost motionless save for Tony's slow pumping of my cock, which soon had precum leaking from it.

"So tell me," Tony said breathlessly, "Shall I suck you off or let you fuck me?"

My cock throbbed hard at Tony's words and his thumb rubbing my precum over the sensitive head of my cock made me groan. "How about both?" I panted.

"Is the right answer," Tony laughed as he fell to his knees, the head of my cock in his mouth in an instant. His hot tongue flicked over the head of my cock for a moment before he took me deeper into his mouth, sucking me gently one moment and harder the next, his tongue dancing along my shaft until I didn't know which sensation I would feel next.

Closing my eyes I let my head fall back against the wall as Tony's obviously experienced mouth, continued to pleasure me.

"Oh fuck," I groaned as I felt my cock hit the back of his throat and I couldn't resist looking down to see the length of my hard cock deep inside Tony's hot mouth. Bucking my hips slowly I began to fuck his face, his cheeks hollowed out as he sucked on me, feasting on my length as it passed through his lips and bringing me dangerously close to release, so much so that I had to pull my cock from his mouth before it was too late.

"Stand up," I said as I kicked the rest of my clothes from my legs, reaching for the zip of his black jeans the second he was on his feet. I wanted to know what he kept inside his trousers and, and I pushed them down over his hips I wasn't disappointed.

Tony's cock was hard and throbbing as I released it, its end already shining with precum and he moaned softly as I took a firm grip of it and began to wank him, his moans getting louder the faster my hand went until I could tell he was about to come.

"Now about that fucking you part…" I said as I let go of his cock and directed him towards my sofa.

Quickly scrabbling through the pile of my clothing I found my wallet and fished the condom from it, already ripping the silver packet open as I returned to where Tony was bent over the back of my sofa ready for me.

My cock throbbed and pulsed as I slid the condom over its length, my gazed fixed on the sight of his firm little arse just waiting for me.

Sucking on my fingers I quickly circled his tight hole before pushing inside, torn between the need to prepare him and the desperation just to fuck him. Thankfully my young lover was of the same mind and was quickly telling me to get on with it. So I did.

Firmly, but gently I hope, I pushed my cock into him, feeling the muscle of his arse resist me for a moment before giving in to my insistence and letting me deep inside. After that it was just fucking. Good hard mindless fucking.

Gripping onto his hips I pounded his deliciously tight arse as hard and fast as I could, sweat was soon running over my brow as the sound of our pants and groans filled my apartment.

"Harder," Tony demanded as he wanked himself in time with my thrusts and I was more than willing to oblige until my whole body began to tremble and I knew I was going to come.

"Oh fuck yes," I moaned as my fingers sank into the flesh of Tony's hips and my cock exploded its load deep into Tony's body.

"Fucking hell John Paul," Tony cried out as his own climax followed only moments after mine.

The very second it was over I suddenly felt incredibly self conscious and painfully aware that I was standing naked in my living room pulling a used condom from the end of my shrinking cock. But worse of all I felt like a total shit. I might have fancied Tony that was true, but the only real reason I fucked him was as some insane form of revenge against Craig and I hated myself for it.

"I should be going," Tony said, already pulling his clothing back on.

"Oh I…"

"Shit, I mean you didn't want to do the whole cuddling thing or anything did you…"

"No," I assured him, "No I just thought that you might have…"

"Look John Paul," Tony said with a smile, "You're a decent bloke… and a good fuck… but that IS all it was right? A fuck?"

"Yeah," I agreed with a relieved laugh, "A bloody good fuck!"

"Good… and maybe we'll do it again… and if not, well no harm done eh? See ya mate…"

"See ya!"

With a brief kiss to my cheek Tony was gone and I was left standing naked in the middle of the room, my head spinning with confusion. I was more than relieved that Tony didn't expect anything from me, but that didn't change the fact that my reasons for fucking him were, well to be frank, they were fucked up.

Craig was married and he was trying for a baby and I had to just get used to that.

But he did look bloody hot when he was jealous.

* * *

After that night I decided I couldn't do it. I couldn't pretend to be just Craig's friend, it was too hard and I don't suppose it was really any easier for him. I couldn't see anything good being able to come from having him back in my life. What good did it do anyone for me to be endlessly jealous of Helena and to shag another guy in an attempt to spark that same jealousy in Craig?

Craig Dean had been the greatest love of my life and there would be a part of my heart and soul that no one else would ever be able to touch like he had. But he was in the past, WE were in the past, and for the sake of my own sanity I had to leave him there and move on.

So I didn't go back to The Sailor and Mermaid. In fact I avoided it like the plague, thankful that no other bands playing there had been brought to Alan's attention.

For six weeks I pretended to go back to my normal life. I worked, I went out with Nathan or with other friends, I did the things I had been doing before the sight of Craig Dean had turned it all upside down. And I almost convinced myself that I could do it. I almost believed I could put him behind me again and move on.

Which is why, when someone rang my doorbell that Friday evening the last person I expected to be on the other end of the intercom when I answered was him.

"John Paul… can I come up?"

My breath caught in my throat and my heart skipped several beats as a shaky hand pressed the button that would release the downstairs door and grant Craig access to the apartment building.

It felt like hours before Craig made it to the third floor and knocked on my door but then suddenly he was there and it was too soon, I wasn't prepared, I didn't know what to say, what to do. I barely even knew what to think.

"Craig…" I breathed as he walked past me and into my living room. "Why… what… why…"

"I had to see you," Craig said as he turned to face me. His eyes were dark, darker than normal, he had the look of a haunted man and the circles beneath his eyes told of many sleepless nights.

"What's happened?" I asked as I moved forward to close the gap between us, stopping just short of being able to touch him and desperate to take one more step.

"What's happened?" Craig repeated with a humourless laugh. "What's happened? You… that's what's happened…"

"Me? What have I done?"

"You… you…" Craig took that one step that I was unable to and suddenly I could feel his breath on my face and I could feel the warmth of his skin. The scent of a still so familiar aftershave raced through my senses making my heart beat so hard I could barely stand it. "You turned up again," Craig said quietly, "You did what you always do… you come into my life and…"

"And?"

"And you make me love you again."

Craig's hand was soft and warm against my cheek, his thumb stroking a small gentle circle as he looked unblinking into my eyes. That one simple touch felt more intimate than any other I had ever experienced in my life before, my whole body seemed to radiate a surge of electricity as his hand rested against my face. I could see in those chocolate depths of his eyes the love that I had known all those years ago and I wanted nothing more than to claim it back again. But we weren't the same people as we had been back then, things had changed and we had changed.

"Craig," I said quietly, sadly as I took hold of his hand and removed it from my cheek, instantly mourning the loss of his touch. "Craig don't…"

"Oh John Paul," Craig said with a sigh as he slumped onto my sofa and let his face fall into his hands. "Why did we give up so easily back then? Why didn't we realise that what we had was worth fighting for?"

"I don't know," I replied with a sad laugh, taking a seat beside him, "I guess we were too young… too stupid…"

"Tell me what to do John Paul," Craig pleaded, his eyes glistened with tears and the sight almost broke my heart. I knew how hard seeing him again had been for me but it hadn't truly registered how much it was making him suffer too, not until that moment.

"I can't," I said quietly. I wanted nothing more than to hold him close, to tell him to stay with me and forget everything else. I wanted to and I think he wanted me to.

"I love you… I've always…"

"Craig you have a wife… you're trying for a baby…"

"I know… it's just…" Craig's sigh was so heavy with the weight of the world and instinctively my arm was around his shoulders, I was surprised to find him shaking and that made me want to hold him closer. "Before I saw you again," Craig continued, "I thought I was happy… things with Helena… it had all happened so fast really but it was good… we were good…"

"Tell me," I said quietly. I don't know why but I felt like I wanted to know, needed to know, maybe then I could really let him go. Maybe.

"We met at work," Craig said as he leant back against my side, letting my arm envelope him. "I'd seen her about, well you would notice someone that beautiful wouldn't you? But she worked on another floor so we'd never really spoken, it wasn't until the works Christmas party that we really got talking and… I dunno… we just hit it off I guess… we were married within six months…"

"That was fast…"

"Maybe it was too fast," Craig said sadly, "I think I… I just needed to be with someone who loved me again…"

"But you DO love Helena don't you?"

"Yes… no… I, I think so but it's different now…"

"Why now?"

"Because you're here… because I can remember what I'd tried so hard to forget…"

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be… it's just…"

"What?"

"How can I be with her when I want to be with you?"

Craig's mouth was warm against mine, his kiss gentle but hungry as I gave in to my own longings, letting the kiss deepen until both our chests were heaving with pent up passion.

"Craig stop," I said suddenly, pushing him away when all I really wanted to do was pull him close and make love to him.

"What… why… don't you…"

"You know I do but…"

"But?"

"I need you to be sure Craig… really sure… I can't… we can't start something while you're still with Helena, while you're trying for a child… I want you so much Craig but I need to know it's really what you want too."

"It is," Craig insisted and it would have been so easy to believe him, not that's not fair I did believe him, but I also knew that he wasn't in the easiest of situations and I couldn't expect him to be able to walk away from his marriage without a second thought.

"Take some time," I told him as I got to my feet and led Craig back to the door, "Be sure, really sure… and then if you want to you come back to me… I'll still be here."

"I will come back for you," Craig said as he left my apartment and every inch of my body hoped that he would.

* * *

It sometimes feels like I've been friends with Nathan for a lifetime instead of just a few years. Almost from the start we connected on so many levels and shared a trust and degree of intimacy that usually took much longer to build.

We could talk together, share a laugh or confess our fears and shed a few tears, there was never a moment when I felt that I couldn't discuss things with him and I'm pretty sure he feels the same.

Only about a month after knowing him Nathan had gone away on holiday, leaving me his apartment keys so that I could keep an eye on the place. A short time after my own holiday plans had me repeating the gesture.

We never returned each other's keys, keeping them instead for "emergency" use but that quickly changed to simply using them to let ourselves into each other's homes without question. If we fancied calling around to see each other then we just would, there was no need to call ahead and arrange it and it never caused any problems.

Well once it might have, back at the start, when I walked into Nathan's apartment to find him "entertaining" a young woman in his bedroom, the door wide open giving me a more complete view of my friend than I had ever had before, or indeed ever wanted.

After that day we had established a kind of unspoken code. Ever since his childhood, when Nathan had been locked in his bedroom for hours as a punishment for some long forgotten misdemeanour, my friend had always slept with his bedroom door slightly ajar, needing the reassurance that his exit from the room was not blocked to him. Because of this I soon learned that a closed door would mean that Nathan was not alone in the room and under such circumstances I would tiptoe out of the apartment, my presence hopefully unnoticed.

Following Craig's visit on Friday evening I had been unable to settle. I'd cancelled the plans I had made to meet a few friends for drink that evening and instead spent the night alternating between pacing my room and trying to catch a few fitful hours of sleep.

I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do next.

Craig needed time, I needed Craig to take time, but I couldn't shake the feeling that when it came to the final decision the life that contained a wife and child would appeal more to my ex than a life with me. For all I knew, and for all he knew, the next generation of Dean's could already be starting its life. It would just be my luck to find him again only to lose him to the one person he would never be able to love more, his own child.

If that happened I knew I would have to go, to leave and not come back again. I could not, would not, be the man who broke up a marriage AND a family. Alan was establishing an office for the record label in Los Angeles and I knew that if I asked he would approve my transfer there. The truth was if I couldn't have Craig then I couldn't be around to see him happy with someone else, as selfish as that might sound I know I couldn't bare it. Better to go away, far away, and start again. Start forgetting him again. I done that once, and quite successfully I'd thought, and I could do it again if I had to.

By the middle of Saturday afternoon I felt like I was going slowly insane. So many thoughts were spinning around in my head that I was getting dizzy. One second I would convince myself that Craig wanted me more than anyone else and he would soon be back to tell me so, only for me to believe an instant later that I was never going to be able to compete with the family that I know a part of that man had always wanted. A family to make his mother proud.

I needed someone to talk to and there was only one person I could be guaranteed would give me his honest opinion. Nathan would never say what I wanted him to say but rather what I needed him to. He would never deliberately say anything to hurt me but at the same time Nathan would not hold back if he believed I was doing something wrong, something stupid, and as such had helped me avoid making several costly mistakes over the years.

Nathan was my dearest friend and confidant, he knew how much I still loved the dark haired boy of my youth who had now become a man, and I knew he would tell me the truth of the situation. If I was being an idiot Nathan would tell me and if I should hold on to hope he would tell me that too.

Grabbing my keys I headed out of my apartment.

I had hoped that the drive over to Nathan's would help clear my head and it had done at first, I turned the radio up loud and let the eclectic sounds of a local radio station wash over me, the music managing to replace my thoughts, the lyrics supplanting the words that were turning over and over in my mind.

And then a song from my youth came over the airwaves and it distracted me so much I almost crashed into the car in front of me, not noticing that it had stopped at the traffic lights. My breaks screeched as I slammed them down, my car stopping a mere hairs breadth from the black bumper of the vehicle ahead of me.

My heart was racing and my knuckles were white as I gripped onto the steering wheel, my chest rising and falling as I gasped for breath and my cheeks were damp with tears. And all because of a song.

That was the power of music of course, that was one of the reasons I love it so much. It's so much more than a clever lyric and an intriguing piece of melody, the real magic behind good music is its ability to transport you, to capture a moment in time and freeze it forever to be revisited the second that song is heard again.

For an instant I felt like I was seventeen again, hopelessly in love with my best friend but knowing I never had a chance to be with him. On the evening of my girlfriend's birthday I had finally told him how I felt and then, a few weeks later, we had shared our first kiss. A kiss fuelled by alcohol and confusion, a kiss that would finally out me and, for a while at least, turn my best friend against me. And one song on the radio took me back there again.

'I can't stop this feeling I've got, I know who I am and I know what I'm not, I know what I've gained and I know what I've lost, But I can't stop this feeling I've got…'

The sound of car horns behind me alerted me to the fact that the lights had changed and, shaking my head to bring myself back to the present, I continued on my journey. I wasn't a seventeen year old boy anymore and Craig was no teenager either. We were both adults, with adult responsibilities, and as such we could no longer just act on whatever our hormones told us to. There were other people to consider, other lives and we couldn't just pretend they didn't matter, as much as we might want to.

With a sigh I pulled up outside of Nathan's apartment building, I really needed someone removed from this situation to talk to, I needed my friend to help me work out where I should go next and I really hoped he was home.

Slipping my key into Nathan's front door I stepped over the threshold. The small hallway was decorated with an elaborately ornate wallpaper, a dark burgundy with a swirling of flowers. Not the sort of style I would have ever connected with my friend and, on more than one occasion, he had confessed regretting his choice almost from the day it was hung, but he still never managed to get around to changing it. The doorway at the end of the hall led into the main living area, which in turn had entrances to both the kitchen and bedroom, Nathan's large en suite bathroom only accessible by a trip through his bedroom.

In a stark contrast to the hallway Nathan's living room was decorated in a simple style, the walls a neutral and inoffensive magnolia with a large cream sofa dominating the centre of the room pointing towards a state of the art entertainment system that would put many a low budget cinema to shame.

The only noticeable colour in the whole room were the bright red cushions that had been scattered over the sofa and a large abstract oil painting that dominated one wall. Nathan had painted the abstract years earlier before he had had his dreams of becoming an artist shattered by the realities of the real world and he had turned instead to graphic design. Every so often I would try to encourage him to paint again but as yet his creations had gone no further than small designs for album covers. Not that I ever gave up trying to convince Nathan that he was as talented as I knew he was.

I had been in Nathan's apartment countless times over the years and my eyes were always drawn, at least briefly, towards that oil painting but, for the first time in memory, as I walked into his living room I didn't notice it.

Nathan's bedroom door was wide open but, rather than that suggesting he was either out or alone, my friend very defiantly had company and for the first time in years he had omitted to close the door.

My first instinct was to turn and go, hoping that neither Nathan nor his female companion would notice but for some reason I felt frozen to the spot, unable to either move or speak, my eyes fixed on a sight I was desperately trying to un-see.

She noticed me at first, a small scream falling from her lips as she reached for a white cotton sheet to cover her naked frame. Turning to see what had caused his lovers sudden outburst Nathan's jaw dropped to see me standing there, obviously only just realising that the door had been left open.

"John Paul… shit…" Nathan said, his gaze darling from the woman to me and then back again. "Look it's not… shit…"

Grabbing a crimson robe that was lying crumpled on the floor beside the bed Nathan quickly covered himself as he walked towards me, closing the door behind himself and hiding the woman from view but also, I suspected, from earshot.

"I didn't realise you had company," I said levelly, turning my back and walking towards the painting, trying to lose myself in its colours.

"It's not what you think…" Nathan said, his hand coming to rest on my shoulder, surprising me with how it seemed to be shaking.

"No?" I asked, my voice heavy with sarcasm, "So I haven't just caught you in bed fucking a married woman?"

"It's not that simple…"

"It's very much that simple Nathan, how long?"

"What?"

"How long has this been going on?" Turning around I looked my friend square in the eyes, expecting him to turn away from me in shame but he returned my gaze without flinching. "Exactly how long have you been shagging Craig's wife? Christ Nathan… how did this start… you don't even know her…"

"Well obviously I do…"

"Obviously…"

Walking over to the sofa I slumped down amidst the scarlet cushions and sighed. Like things weren't complicated enough with Craig without adding this little indiscretion to the plot.

"So?" I said, "How long…"

"That night at the pub… when we went to see RodeoTraffik…" Nathan began, sitting, or rather perching, at the other end of the sofa and looking at me, a hint of sadness shimmering in his eyes.

"What? You've been sleeping with her since then?"

"No… that's when I first really spoke to her… hell I was doing you a favour, getting her out of the way so you could talk to Craig but…"

"But?"

"I don't know we just… we clicked… so I went back the next day to see her… and then the next and… I never meant for this to happen…"

"Let me guess," I snapped, "It was an accident… you accidentally put your dick inside her…"

"Don't be so crude," Nathan said with a scowl, "It's not like that…"

"So what is it like? You tell me Nate cause I don't get it… you could shag pretty much any woman you want to… so why her eh? Why a married woman? Why the fuck Craig's wife?"

"Because…" Nathan put his face in his hands for a second before looking at me again with determined eyes.

"Because?" I prompted.

"Because I think I'm in love with her."

I hardly knew what to say. In all the time I had known Nathan I had never heard him use that word, he had always favoured a more casual approach to relationships claiming that he didn't "do" serious.

"Love?" I echoed back quietly.

"It happens," Nathan replied with a small shrug, "I just never thought… I mean I tried not to John Paul… but I…"

"You love her?"

"Yeah…"

"So you've been sleeping with her all this time?"

"No… not at all… at first I would just go into the pub and talk to her… and then I invited her out for coffee… but we still just talked," Nathan laughed softly, "I don't think I've ever actually talked to a woman like that before… you know, REALLY talked… I knew I should have stopped seeing her but it was already too late… I was counting the hours until I could see her again… I was lying in bed at night wishing she was there just so I could watch her sleep…"

"Shit," I said with a shake of my head. Never in all the years I had known him had I heard Nathan talk like that and I didn't doubt that he was genuine in what he said, I hadn't realised it until that moment but I had seen a change in Nathan over the past few weeks, he had been happier than I had ever known him to be.

"Exactly," Nathan replied, "And then a couple of weeks ago we both admitted that this wasn't just a friendship we had between us and when I kissed her for that first time it was like… it was like finally feeling alive… I wanted to tell you John Paul. God I've hated keeping this from you… but how could I… I never wanted to put you in the middle like this."

"She's Craig's wife," I said, my words somewhat redundant and yet I felt they needed to be said. Nathan's words had said more than he realised, I knew exactly how it felt for someone's kiss to breathe new life into you.

"I know…"

"They're trying for a baby…"

"I know…"

"Hell Nate what if you…"

"We're being careful…"

"Oh shit Nathan… what am I supposed to do with this? You're my best mate but Craig he's…"

"I know." Moving closer to me Nathan reached out a hand and rested it on my arm, "I am sorry… I didn't ever want to put you in a position like this…"

"Craig deserves to know," I said quietly.

"You don't think there are things Helena deserves to know?" Nathan replied, "She isn't the only one lying here…"

"She's the only one cheating…"

"Is she?"

"You know she is… I told you Craig and I haven't…"

"You haven't kissed him then?"

"That's not the same…"

"You haven't wanted him… or him you?"

"Nathan that is not the same and you know it…"

"Maybe not," Nathan said as he got to his feet and began to pace, "But it's only a matter of degrees, you might not be sleeping with him but you can hardly say he's being totally faithful to his wife can you?"

I didn't answer for a moment, how could I? In some ways my friend was right, after all wasn't I there in his apartment to discuss Craig's recent visit, to tell Nathan that Craig was thinking of leaving his wife, the very wife that was currently in Nathan's bed?

"What the fuck am I supposed to do Nathan?" I asked; I couldn't get my head around how quickly everything had changed, how quickly and how completely.

"I don't know just… just give me some time… please… I know it's unfair of me to ask this of you… and I am sorry that you've been put in the middle like this… but just give me and Helena some time to work this out…"

"You really love her?" I asked.

"I really do…"

"Does she love you?"

Before Nathan could answer his bedroom door opened and Helena, now fully clothed, stepped out. "Yes she does," Helena said, her fingers lacing seemingly subconsciously with Nathan's as she went to stand by his side.

"And what about your husband?" I asked coldly, "Do you love him?"

Exchanging a quick look with Nathan that made them both smile sadly Helena nodded her head, "Yes… yes I do…"

A part of me wanted to scream out 'So do I', but instead I got to my feet and headed towards the hallway.

"John Paul," Nathan called after me as I walked towards the front door, "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know," I replied honestly.

"Are you going to tell him?"

I paused with one hand on the door handle, strangely aware of how cold and smooth the metal felt to my touch.

Closing my eyes briefly I swallowed hard. "No," I replied, "I wont tell him…"

"Thank you," Helena said quietly.

"I wont tell him," I repeated as I opened the door, "Because you're going to… You asked for some time Nathan? You've got two weeks… and if he hasn't been told by then…"

I left my sentence unfinished as I closed the door and leant against it, we all knew what was left unsaid.

I couldn't help but wonder if two weeks would be long enough, or would it be too long? Despite my belief that Craig deserved to know the truth it wasn't just my loyalty to Nathan that was keeping my lips sealed.

As I got back into my car Craig's words from the previous night replayed over and over in my mind.

"I will come back for you."

I wanted that to happen more than anything else in my life, but I wanted it to happen because Craig wanted me just as much as I wanted him, not because his wife had found someone else. I needed to be Craig's choice and not just his consolation prize, but if Helena told him about Nathan before he made that choice then how would I ever really know? And if I didn't know then how could we ever survive? We had failed once, I couldn't face that again.

Suddenly Los Angeles sounded very appealing.


	4. Chapter 4

I used to think that when I reached a certain age, that mythical time when I finally became an adult, I would finally have the answers. I would know what I was supposed to do and who I was supposed to be, I thought that being an adult meant that life would be easy. I now know just how wrong I was, not only do I not know the answers but I'm no longer certain what the questions are.

I know I shouldn't have agreed to meet with Craig. I had vowed to keep my distance, both to give him time to think and also to stop me from blurting out something I shouldn't. I needed Craig to decide on his own, to choose to be with me because that was what he wanted, but the waiting was killing me and so when he called, a week after our last meeting, and said he wanted to see me I found myself agreeing even before I had time to think. The idea of seeing Craig again instantly overruled my common sense, but at least I managed to retain enough of it to insist on meeting somewhere public. I couldn't risk being alone with him, I didn't think my self control would hold out any longer.

As I entered the small coffee bar I instantly saw Craig already seated towards the back of the room, it wasn't so much that I knew where he was going to be sitting but rather some instinct that drew my attention towards him the second he was close. Right from the start I had always been aware of him being near by even before I could see him, as if the atoms of my body vibrated to a different rhythm because of his very presence.

Craig smiled as I approached, his deep chocolate eyes sparkling and somehow seeming to reflect something more magical than the plain fluorescent lighting that hung in strips across the white washed ceiling.

The coffee bar was a simple place, small with a basic décor of dark oak tables and white linen table cloths, but there was something about it I had always loved, something intimate and comforting, like going back to somewhere you had always known.

"I'm not late am I?" I asked as I pulled out the dark wooden chair and seated myself across the table from the man I loved.

"No, I was early," Craig replied, a small blush colouring his cheeks a delicate pink, I was somewhat relieved to see he seemed as nervous as I was. It felt like a first date and I felt like a clumsy teenager.

Resting my hands on the bright white of the table cloth I searched for something to say, I couldn't stand looking at him but then I couldn't stand not to, my head was in a turmoil of emotions that I didn't know what to do with.

Craig reached out one hand, pausing when it was only a fraction from mine, not quite making contact and the action reminded me of the boy I had once known, the boy who had been unable to touch me in public for fear of what it might mean.

But Craig wasn't that boy any longer and, with a smile that melted my very soul with the fire it ignited inside me, his hand gripped tightly onto mine, the heat of his skin burning me, branding me as his.

"I'm sorry," Craig said quietly.

"What for?" I asked, if anyone seated at that table should have been apologising it wasn't Craig. I was the one keeping secrets, holding back something that he deserved to know.

"For everything," Craig replied, his hand never loosening its grip on mine, not even when the waitress brought over our coffees. "I assumed you still drank it the same," Craig said with a nod towards the steaming cups.

"Yeah," I answered not moving my gaze from Craig's face, at that moment I couldn't have cared less if we had been served cups of heated mud, it wasn't the coffee I was there for.

He was so beautiful, his eyes have always been the most captivating things I have ever seen and I think I could happily spend the rest of my life doing nothing but staring into them. With a smile I remembered a time, back in Dublin, when I told Craig he was beautiful. In the typical style of the man who could never quite understand how amazing he was Craig had blushed deeply before throwing several cushion at my head. The play fight that followed had left us both breathless and laughing as I lay on top of Craig staring not only into that beautiful mans eyes but directly into his soul.

We had sat up slowly, moving as one without speaking a word, peeling off each others clothes while doing our best to never break eye contact. Craig's hands against my bare skin had made my whole body tremble as a wave of uncontrollable emotion washed over me, over us both, our mouths meeting gently but firmly in a kiss of growing intensity.

We made love slowly that day, every touch and every kiss feeling as if it was lasting an eternity, there had been no need to rush because we had a lifetime. We believed we had a lifetime.

"John Paul?" Craig's voice pulled me from my thoughts and I refocused my gaze back onto the eyes that were staring at me curiously.

"Sorry," I said, I could feel my cheeks heat up with both a hint of embarrassment but also with the passion that the memories had stirred within me.

"You were miles away…"

"I was just thinking…"

"Of?"

"You… us… when we were in Dublin…"

"That time you said I was beautiful?"

"How did you know?"

"I've been thinking about it too…"

"Craig you are beautiful." I smiled as Craig looked away shyly, I couldn't help but wonder what it was that man saw in the mirror if it wasn't the incredible beauty that I could see before me.

"I should never have gone," Craig said quietly, his voice breaking with emotion and regret.

"I should never have let you," I replied. I will never understand how giving up had been so easy for us when we had fought so hard just to be together. We had gone through so much but when it came to the crunch we just hadn't been strong enough, I wondered if we would be this time or even if we would have the chance to find out. "You might have been the one to leave Craig but I was just as responsible for what happened as you…"

"There were so many times I wanted to come back and find you again," Craig said, "I nearly did a couple of times… but then I… I…"

"You met Helena?"

"It was simpler… I don't mean that I didn't… don't… love her but… it was just easier…"

"Less complications?"

"At first anyway," Craig laughed, a little sadly, as he gripped my hand tightly, his thumb brushing gently over my skin.

"The IVF?" I asked sympathetically. I can still remember the pain of my older sister when she was told she would never be able to have children, it wasn't something I would ever wish on anyone.

"It's taken so much… money, time, heartache… and Helena wanted it so much…"

"What about you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You said Helena wanted it… what about you?" I tilted my head to one side as I observed Craig considering my question.

"When we first started talking about kids it was like 'Yeah of course… that's what you do'… but then when we found out we couldn't… I didn't know how hard it would be and it's all my fault."

"Craig this sort of thing is nobody's fault," I said reassuringly.

"No," Craig replied with a shrug, "I mean it's my fault we can't… I'm the one who… who can't…"

"Oh I… I see…"

"I caught mumps you see," Craig explained, "It must have been… two years after I left Dublin? I never even thought at the time, I mean they tell you the risks and what it might mean but you never really think it'll be YOU… and then…"

"I'm sorry…"

"Maybe it was a blessing in disguise," Craig said, his gaze suddenly steady as he looked at me with such intensity that had I not been seated I would surely have felt my legs buckle.

"How do you mean…"

"I thought… I thought I was happy," Craig said slowly, "I thought I had the life I wanted… but now…"

"But now?" My heart was beating so loudly in my chest that I felt sure everyone must be able to hear it. He was going to say it, I was so sure of that fact, he wanted me, he was choosing me and then I could tell him and everything would be alright. I held my breath waiting for Craig to talk again.

"But now I see you and I… I know that what I've got is nothing compared to what I had and… John Paul I…"

A peel of laughter as the door to the coffee bar opened drew my attention from Craig's words, the sound annoying me as it seemed crass and out of place at such a time, making me turn and direct a scowl towards the door. I gasped as I spotted the coffee bar's new customers, my reaction making Craig follow the direction of my gaze.

I don't know if Craig noticed Nathan's hands holding onto Helena's waist as they walked towards us, falling away the instant they spotted us, just as Craig's hand had pulled back from mine, but then my reaction had been the same as I snatched my hand back from him.

"Craig!" Helena said in an all too cheery voice as she approached our table and kissed his cheek lightly. "What a coincidence…"

Nathan looked at me steadily, I could tell he was willing me to keep my silence and I had no intentions of breaking my promise regardless of how uncomfortable I felt, how wrong. Torn between the man I loved and the friend I loved, whatever I chose to do would be wrong for one of them all I could do was hope that it would work out in the end, what other option did I have?

"What are you doing here?" Craig asked, his gaze darting between his wife and my friend, making me wonder if he knew, if he could tell.

"I was just out shopping when I bumped into Nate," Helena lied as she pulled up a chair beside her husband, "He asked me if I fancied going for a coffee… and who should be here but you two…"

"Yeah we were… we were just… you know… catching up…" Craig said, his hand rubbing nervously at the back of his neck, a habit that had always made me smile. Craig Dean was such a terrible liar but Helena didn't seem to notice her husband's unease as her attention was focused on the man who was now sat beside me.

"That's nice," Helena said, nodding as Nathan ordered her coffee without stopping to ask what she wanted. My eyes darted towards Craig, so many clues and yet he seemed oblivious, I wanted him to notice, to confront them and to let me off the hook but he didn't. Maybe his own feelings of guilt made him unable to spot what was right in front of him or maybe it was only so obvious to me because I already knew the truth.

With a sigh I picked up my coffee cup and wondered just how long I would have to stay there before I could make my excuses and leave.

* * *

My eyes were closed as I lay back on my sofa listening to the first pressing of the new CD by the band once called RodeoTraffik and now finally renamed "Fourtee-Two", a name I wasn't sure was much of an improvement but Alan had liked it and so it had stayed.

The music pulsed through my body as I tried to let the boom of the bass wash away my thoughts. I had given Nathan and Helena two weeks to come clean and time was nearly up, one more day and then I had to either tell Craig the truth or… or what?

The beeping of my phone pulled me from my reverie and I smiled sadly as I saw a message from Nathan.

"Can I come round?"

I couldn't remember the last time my friend had asked if he could visit, but since the very moment I had discovered Nathan's secret things had changed. Our conversations had become strained and difficult, both of us constantly aware of the one subject we were avoiding and it was putting more and more distance between us. I missed my friend and I wanted him back.

"Of course," I replied.

It was less than two minutes later that my doorbell rang, Nathan had obviously already been on his way when he decided to check if I wanted to see him, I just wished he hadn't felt the need to text. What had happened to the friend who would let himself into my apartment without a second thought? Had I lost him now?

"Alright?" Nathan said as he crossed the threshold and wandered into my living room.

"Yeah… you?"

"Not bad…"

We both paused, looking at each other uncomfortably. I wanted to reach out and hug him but I couldn't manage to cross that gap between us.

"Fourtee-two?" Nathan asked with a nod towards my stereo where the CD was still playing, albeit at a reduced volume.

"Yeah…"

"They're pretty good…"

"Of course," I said with a laugh, "I recommended them."

Nathan grinned at me, a familiar grin that made him feel like my friend again, my friend that I could rely on and trust, my friend who had always been there for me and I hoped always would.

"Shit I'm sorry mate." Nathan took a step towards me, hesitated but then pulled me into an embrace so tight I could hardly breathe. "I know all this must be hell for you."

"It's not ideal for anyone," I panted when he finally let go. I smiled as Nathan ran his hands through his hair and then instantly turned to check his reflection in my mirror, straightening the style back into perfection.

"No… no it's not," Nathan agreed without turning back to face me, his eyes instead still focused in the mirror. "And I know… I mean… it's not like… shit…"

"Nathan what is it?"

"I don't want to… I mean I shouldn't…"

"Nathan," I said sternly as my nerves began to jangle, "Just tell me what the hell it is you're trying to say."

"Helena thinks she's pregnant."

Without response I fell back onto my sofa, my gaze was unfocussed and, although I knew he was still talking, I could no longer hear a single word that Nathan said.

Helena was pregnant. Of course she was. I wasn't even surprised to hear those words, somewhere deep inside they had been both the words I had been anticipating and dreading. There was no way life would be that kind to me, no way things with Craig were ever destined to work out. In my mind I was already packing for Los Angeles.

I picked up my phone without consciously registering that it had alerted me to a new text.

Craig's name on the screen made me smile, just as it always had, but not for much longer I didn't expect.

"I know what I want," his message said, "It's you John Paul, it's always been you. I'm gonna tell Helena tonight."

There it was. The thing I had been waiting for, the words I had wanted to hear, the proof that Craig Dean still loved me and still wanted me.

I replied quickly, the only way I could.

"Don't."

* * *

"John Paul?" Nathan's voice cut into my thoughts and I lifted my face to look at him. His brow was furrowed with concern and his dark eyes seemed to shimmer with understanding but for an instant all I wanted to do was hit him.

I was gripped with an overwhelming urge to launch myself from the sofa and, even as I looked at him, I could feel my hands ball into fists as my teeth ground together.

Nathan, my friend, the man I had always felt I could trust with my life, suddenly seemed like the enemy. I needed someone to blame, I needed someone to take my anger and frustration out on and he was the perfect target.

If he hadn't slept with Helena, if he hadn't left the bedroom door open so that I could find out, hell if he just hadn't told me about her pregnancy until after Craig had made his choice. But he did. He did all those things and because of it everything was in ruins.

I knew that blaming him was irrational but at that moment, as once again I saw my dreams crumbling before my eyes, rationality wasn't something I was concerned with.

I was on my feet in a flash, my fists at my sides, I could feel the tips of my nails beginning to cut half moon shapes into the palms of my hands as I began to shake with rage.

"Are you alright?" Nathan's voice was calm and gentle, his hand coming to rest on my shoulder lightly but with a shrug it was easily dislodged.

"I think you'd better go," I said quietly between gritted teeth.

"John Paul please…"

Shaking my head I turned away from my friend, loving and hating him in such equal measures that I didn't know what to do.

"Just get out… please just leave me alone…"

"John Paul I…" I could hear the resignation in Nathan's voice, he knew me well enough to know when he should just walk away and this was such a time. I was in no mood to be reasoned with and we both knew that his words wouldn't reach me. "I'll call you later…"

"Whatever," I replied as he walked away, not moving until I heard the sound of my front door closing behind him, at which point I collapsed back onto the sofa and buried my face in my hands.

There were no tears, I was sure that in time they would come, but at that moment an incredible feeling of numbness washed over me and I let it. I had no strength to fight it, and no reason to, the dream was over, just like a part of me always knew it would be.

Grabbing at my stereo's remote control I silence the music that had quickly turned into an annoyance, before hurling the remote across the room, watching as it hit the wall and the batteries tumbled from the cracked casing.

Lying back I closed my eyes and had every intention of staying exactly there until some physical need finally demanded my attention.

But after five minutes my peace was once again disrupted as my doorbell began to ring, not once or twice but over and over again until I had no option but to answer it.

"What?" I snapped into the telephone receiver that connected me to the outside intercom and my unwelcome visitor.

"It's me… let me in…" Craig's voice was breathless and, considering the distance he had had to travel I knew he must have done so at great speed.

"John Paul," Craig's voice came again when I didn't respond. "If you don't let me in right now I will ring every bell in this apartment block till someone does… hell I'll kick the fucking door in if I have to…"

With a sigh I pressed my thumb against the cold silver button that would simultaneously open the outer door whilst buzzing an indication that the lock had been released.

"What the fuck is that?" Craig said angrily as walked into my apartment and almost forced his mobile into my face. The screen was illuminated with one word, my text, "Don't."

Storming past me Craig stomped into the living room and threw his mobile onto the sofa before turning to face me. His once gentle brown eyes flashed with barely controlled rage and I took an involuntary step backwards as I saw the anger visibly flashing from them.

"I… I just though…" I began uncertainly. What could I tell him that would explain the situation?

"What John Paul?" Craig snapped, "Go on… what did you just think? For fucks sake… have you changed your mind… is that it? Is there someone else… Is it that Tony… is that what this is all about?" I could see the thoughts spinning through Craig's mind as his words tumbled over each other, searching for an answer.

"No," I assured him, "No it's nothing like that… but I… I was rushing you and…"

"Bollocks John Paul…" Craig said, his voice getting louder and angrier with each word, "That's just bollocks… if you don't want me anymore then just have the balls to say it to my face instead of fobbing me off like this…"

"Of course I do."

"Yeah… looks like…"

"I just… it's… for god's sake Craig it's not that simple… you're married and…"

"And I was married last week… and the week before that… tell me the fucking truth John Paul… I deserve that don't I?"

"But it's… it's complicated isn't it?" I said lamely.

Craig laughed, a bitter snort of a laugh as he shook his head. "When have we ever not been complicated?" He asked and I almost laughed, after all he did have a point. "Just tell me." Moving forward Craig was quickly before me, leaving me no route of escape as he backed me against the wall. "Tell me the truth John Paul… tell me you don't love me anymore…"

Craig's panting breath was hot against my face and my senses seemed strangely heightened. I could see the first hint of stubble on his chin, I could smell the blend of shower gel and aftershave that made a whole new fragrance, and I could see the longing, the pleading and the need to know deep in his eyes.

"I can't," I said quietly, not sure which part of his demand I was answering but knowing that my answer covered both.

"You wanted me to choose," Craig said, his voice suddenly soft and quiet, almost uncertain, "You wanted me to be sure… and I am… and now you say 'don't'… What's changed?"

"Nothing… everything… I… I don't know…"

"You're not making any sense…"

"I know… I'm sorry…"

"Tell me…"

"I... it's… it's just such a mess… It's not just about you and me is it… what about Helena… I mean what if…"

"What if?" Craig's voice grew stern and his gaze seemed to pierce into me, making me sure he could see through my lies. "We can't live our lives by 'what if' John Paul… Just answer me one thing… truthfully… please…"

I held my breath, of course there was no way he would ever be asking about Helena and Nathan but that didn't stop me feeling exposed as his hands touched my face uncertainly for a moment before resting palm flat against my chest.

"Do you still want me?" Craig's question stung me, my own betrayal had made him doubt me and for a moment I almost told him everything in a desire to free us from the lies that were taking him from me. But he was already lost to me, I had no claim on that man, someone else needed him now, his child needed him.

I needed him.

"John Paul?" Craig's hands gripped onto my shirt, bunching it in his fists as he stared unblinkingly at me. "Do you?"

"I…"

"Yes or no… easy as that…"

"I… I…"

"Oh for fucks sake!" Craig shoved his balled fists against my chest before pulling back and turning away, his fingers running furiously through his hair. "One word… is that so hard?"

Wheeling around quickly Craig's hands landed on the wall either side of my head, his face only inches from mine as he breathed his words hotly into my face.

"Just say you don't want me," Craig said in a deep husky voice, "And I'll go… you'll never see me again…"

The very thought made me want to scream, I'd lost him once, I couldn't do it again, I just couldn't.

"Craig…" I could hear my voice break as I whispered his name.

Over the past few years Craig had become a memory, a wonderful memory, but a part of the past that I never believed I would get to revisit, I never dreamed that he would be stood before me again, wanting me again. How could fate be so cruel as to bring him back into my life and then threaten to take him away in the next moment? Why did I have to be the one to lose out again? I might not be perfect, I would never claim that I am, but would Craig really be happy with Helena, baby or not, with a wife who could cheat on him so easily.

"Tell me," Craig growled, anger and passion blazing in the depths of his chocolate eyes.

"I…" There were no words. With words we could get ourselves tangled in a maze of confusion when what I wanted to say could easily be explained in another way.

Reaching my hands around the back of Craig's neck I pulled him to me and kissed him hard.

Our passion ignited intensely as our lips met, a deep growl rumbling in Craig's throat as he pressed his body against my, pinning me hard to the wall so that I couldn't move and could hardly breathe. But I had no need for breath when Craig was kissing my life back into me.

Craig's tongue searched my mouth as his hands pulled at my clothing, freeing my shirt so that he could claw at the naked flesh beneath.

My skin seemed to burn under his touch and I welcomed the fire that raged through my very veins.

Breaking from our kiss I lowered my mouth to Craig's neck, feasting on the sweetness of his flesh, my teeth sinking in deeply and biting so hard that I tasted the sharp metallic tang of blood, but still I didn't stop and Craig didn't ask me to stop, rather his moans of pleasure spurred me on as he began to pull at my belt, freeing the buckle and tearing open my jeans, making me cry out as his hand plunged inside and gripped onto my already fully aroused cock.

My heart was racing so hard it felt as if it should burst, each pass of Craig's fingers over the length of my erection making my whole body shudder with a desire that I had long since buried away.

I don't remember fighting my way into Craig's trousers but within seconds his thick delicious cock was in my hand, its weight familiar and exciting in my grip as I eased the foreskin back and forth, making him pant and moan into the renewed heat of our kiss.

"Tell me," Craig said suddenly, his hand pumping my exposed cock so hard and so fast that I felt sure I wouldn't be able to stop myself from coming at any moment, "Tell me you want me…"

"Craig," I panted, my voice shaking with a heady blend of love and desire, "I've never wanted anyone the way I want you…"

"Tell me you want me right now," Craig breathed, leaning closer into me as he pushed my jeans down over my hips before slipping one finger between my buttocks and teasing the rosebud of my ass. "Tell me you want me to fuck you… Say it John Paul…"

My breath was coming in sharp pants as Craig's finger probed at my hole, pushing into me little by little, his eyes burning into mine, the very sight of his lust enough to make my legs buckle.

"Craig Dean I want you to fuck me," I growled, the need to feel him inside me like nothing I had ever known before, it was an ache that only one man could satisfy, "Fuck me right now…"

With a stumbling movement Craig almost threw me across the room towards my sofa, where I barely had time to steady myself on its arm before he had parted the half moons of my ass cheeks and began to lick deeply at my puckered hole.

I couldn't hold back the moans of pleasure as the wet heat of Craig's tongue bathed me in such an intimate act. I could still remember the fist time Craig had licked me in such a way, he had been so uncertain, so nervous, but we had both been learning together what an increased turn on there was in making each other moan in that way, in making our lover so desperate to be fucked that they would beg for it.

"Craig please…" I whimpered, the need for his cock inside me now at fever pitch, "Please fuck me now… right fucking now…"

I heard Craig rise to his feet, the head of his cock brushing up and down between my buttocks, pausing at my wet hole before moving past.

"Craig…" I pleased, "Fuck me… please…"

"God I love it when you beg for it," Craig growled, his breath hot on my neck as he pushed the just head of his cock into me and then paused. "You really want me to fuck you?"

"Yes…" I insisted, my knuckles white on the arm of my sofa as I gripped onto it, "God please yes…"

"Like this?" With one hard thrust the length of Craig's cock was inside me, making me cry out with the sudden rush of pleasure and pain as the discomfort of the sudden invasion was soon replaced by the intense sensation of Craig's cock deep inside me again after so many years.

"Fuck I'd forgotten how good this feels," Craig moaned, his hands gripping onto my hips to steady himself as he began rock back and forth, slowly at first, making my legs shake as his cock slid in and out of me, every inch seeming to hit a new spot of pleasure, but it didn't take long before Craig was riding my ass hard and fast and still I was begging him to fuck me harder, until the sound of our naked flesh slapping together filled my whole apartment.

My whole body felt as if it had been wired up to the mains, blood no longer running through my veins as it was replaced by pure electricity and I had never felt so alive.

I was being fucked by Craig Dean, MY Craig Dean, and I knew that whatever happened I was going to fight to keep him. This time I was not just going to let him walk away.

"Do you think I can still make you come like I used to?" Craig asked tauntingly, one hand reaching around to fondle my cock as he fucked me so deep that he knew he was hitting the right spot even before I began to moan ever louder and pant out his name over and over again.

My whole body was shaking and I knew that I was going to come at any moment, nothing on earth could have stopped me because the man I loved was fucking me perfectly.

"Craig… yes… oh fuck…"

Craig's fingers tightened around my cock and, as he thrust deeply into me again, I had no resistance left, I cried out loudly as I came, my cock pulsing wave after wave, bathing Craig's hand until there was nothing left inside me and I felt completely spent.

"I love you John Paul…" Craig moaned as I felt his body shudder and he came inside me, thrusting deeply as he filled my ass with his heat as he collapsed breathless onto my back.

We stood motionless and panting for a few moments before Craig finally moved away from me and I instantly missed the closeness of his body.

Turning to face him I began to pull up my jeans as he fastened himself back inside his clothes.

"Craig I…" I didn't know what to say, there was so much but where would I begin?

"John Paul it's OK," Craig said with a smile that would have melted the polar ice caps, "Whatever it is… whatever has made you uncertain it's OK…"

"Is it?"

"Yeah…"

"Why?"

"Because from now on we're in this together… and nothing's going to change that…"

I smiled in a way I couldn't remember doing for so many years but whatever I was about to say was disrupted by the sound of my doorbell.

"Whoever it is get rid of them," Craig said with a grin.

"Hello?" I said into the receiver, my eyes still fixed on my lover.

"It's me…"

"Nathan not now…"

"Helena's with me… and we've seen Craig's car outside… John Paul we need to talk."

I closed my eyes for a second and sighed. I never thought Craig's words would be tested quite so soon.

* * *

Craig looked at me with an incomprehensible frown as I pressed the button that allowed my new visitors into the apartment block. Obviously he had expected me to send whoever it was packing and I had no words to explain why I hadn't done just that.

What was I supposed to say? 'Oh by the way your wife is on her way up with my friend, and they've secretly been shagging for weeks now… and congratulations you're going to be a daddy'. Of course I wasn't about to say anything like that. So I didn't say anything. Instead I avoided making eye contact with him and instead quickly checked that there was no "evidence" of what we had just been doing, straightening the sofa cushions for good measure.

"John Paul?" Craig began after a few awkward seconds, but thankfully before he could say more there was the sound of knocking on my door.

Helena and Nathan were just outside and the moment I let them in I knew that everything would change. I have never wanted to run and hide so much before in my life. But there was nowhere to run, I almost expected an ominous drum roll as I opened the door.

"John Paul," Nathan said with a nod of his head as he stepped into my apartment. I couldn't help but notice how he let go of Helena's hand as he entered.

"Nate," I replied, in an equally emotionless voice despite the terrible surge of feelings that were rolling through my chest. I wanted to push him out again, I wanted Helena not to be there, but most of all I just wanted to hold Craig and make believe that everything would be alright.

Helena walked silently past me and followed my friend into the living room. The expression on her face as she looked at Craig flickered between curiosity and concern and I realised she was trying to work out if I had told him about her affair, I don't know how many times in the following few minutes I would wish I had.

"So this is where you raced off to?" Helena said to Craig, her head tilted to one side slightly as she looked at him. Her mouth shone with a gentle pink gloss and her hair seemed to glisten in the beams of sunlight that were streaking through the window. I could understand how Nathan had fallen for her, how Craig had, and I was still unable to hate her. Resent her yes, I felt that in spades, but each one of us in our way had become a victim of circumstance and she was no more in the wrong for loving Nathan than Craig was for feeling that way about me. "You get a text and suddenly go racing off without a word."

"I said I was going out," Craig replied defensively, his hand going to his neck in a reflex action as he began to rub at it. Guilt was written all over his face and it made me feel ashamed. How could I have let this go on? How could I let him believe he was the only guilty party in the room when each of us was in fact guilty of the same crime to one degree or another? "I told you I…"

"You told me nothing Craig… just like you never tell me anything anymore… and then I find you here with… oh…"

Realisation suddenly illuminated Helena's face and I couldn't help but wonder if I looked as guilty as Craig did, I certainly felt exposed and vulnerable enough.

"What's going on Craig?" Helena asked quietly, her gaze dropping to her husband's crotch before returning to his face. Following the path of her eyes I saw that Craig's zipper was still half down and his shirt had been hastily and untidily tucked back into his trousers.

"Nothing… I… I don't know what you're talking about…" Craig was so flustered by the situation that it obviously hadn't even crossed his mind to ask Helena what she was doing there or why she had arrived with Nathan and I desperately wanted him to ask that question.

"Oh my God," Helena laughed bitterly, her head falling back slightly as she walked over to her husband yanking out his shirt and angrily doing up his zip. I watched as Craig's eyes locked with his wife's hands following each movement before she stepped backed, just enough to put some distance between them. Her eyebrows raised, her head shaking slightly so that her blonde locks flicked with her movement. "When did I become Sarah?"

"What? How do you know… what do you…" I heard Craig ask with surprise, a sudden wave of realisation rising in his very being. I stepped forward, only for Nathan's arm to stop me. I hadn't even seen him move close to me, and now my friend was blocking me walking over to defend the man I loved. The realisation of what had been going on between Craig and I slowly coming into focus as Helena let out a bitter laugh.

"Craig, don't play stupid. Did you really think something like that could be kept secret forever? That I wouldn't know that my husband didn't always bat for one side."

"You're… you're talking rubbish," Craig stammered, "I don't know where you're getting all this from but…"

"I've seen it Craig…"

"Seen what?"

"That box you keep hidden away at the back of the shelf in our wardrobe…"

"You had no right to look in that," Craig's voice was barely a whisper and Helena continued without pause or registering that her husband had even spoken.

"Just Uni mates Craig? You don't get love letters from Uni mates… you don't have photos of you kissing and holding hands with Uni mates…" Helena's eyes blazed as she took a step closer to her husband. "And you don't go around fucking your Uni mates," she snapped, her hand suddenly lashing out across Craig's face. "You're a liar!"

"Helena… I…"

I'd had enough. I felt Craig's physical pain, but more than that I felt the guilt Helena was inflicting on him in her self-righteous rampage. I couldn't just stand by. I couldn't watch Craig be made a villain by that woman for whom my resentment had now changed to blinding, angry hate.

"He's not the only liar though is he Helena?" I snapped.

"John Paul…?" Craig barked, instinctively defending his 'innocent and betrayed' wife.

It was only when I saw the fear on Helena's face I realised what I had said, what I had done. I turned to Craig rushing over to him, gripping his hands tightly as he looked at me puzzled.

No! No! I couldn't lose him again I told myself over and over as Helena backed away slightly behind us, and I was left there just looking into Craig's suddenly puzzled eyes. The slow realisation that the three of us knew something he didn't filled his molten chocolate eyes. That I knew something I hadn't told him, and I knew so much of our future rested on how he felt after finding out.

Finding out that I had betrayed him. Maybe more than any of the others in the room.

"What? What?" he asked over and over.

"I'm sorry mate," Nathan whispered reaching for Helena's hand.

Craig's gaze darted between us all. His wife, Nathan, me… round and round in circles as he tried to comprehend what he was seeing, what he was discovering.

"How could you?" The pain in Craig's voice cut into me but not as much as the hurt in his eyes did, not as much as the knowledge that those words were directed at me.

"I wanted to tell you," I said quietly, holding Craig's hands as tightly as I could for fear that if I let go he might leave.

"But you didn't," Craig said shaking his head before redirecting his gaze towards his wife and her secret lover. "How long?"

"A few weeks, a couple of months maybe," Helena replied sheepishly. "I never meant to… I just I…"

"A few weeks or a couple of months, which is it?" Craig asked, "You've been seeing him behind my back for… for god knows how long and you still have the gall to attack me for…"

"I'm sorry… I was shocked, I didn't know you and John Paul… I shouldn't have…"

"Look mate, tempers are running a bit high at the moment and…" Nathan began but his words were cut short by a look from Craig that could have cowered the bravest of men.

"You don't talk to me," Craig snarled, "You don't ever talk to me…"

Shaking off my hands Craig stepped back and looked at the three of us, the hurt and betrayal shimmering in his eyes.

"Craig please," I said quietly.

"You knew," Craig said, raising his hands to ward me off, "You knew and you said nothing… of all the people in the world I thought I could rely on John Paul… I don't know you… I don't know any of you…"

Running his hands through his hair Craig laughed bitterly. "I can't do this," he said as he turned to leave, "You can all go to hell…"

"Craig you can't just walk away from this," I said, trying to remain calm as the panic rose inside me.

"Watch me… I don't care if I never see any of you again…"

Casting a look towards Helena I mentally urged her to say something, but she remained silent.

"Craig there is more at stake than just us," I said grabbing at his arm as he pushed past me. "There's someone you can't walk away from…"

I heard a soft gasp fall from Helena's lips but my attention was still focussed on Craig.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Craig asked, once again shrugging off my hold

I knew it wasn't my place to say anything and it was hardly the best way to find out, but it was too late now and so I just forged ahead.

"Helena's pregnant," I said quietly, "You're going to be a father."

I don't know what kind of a reaction I expected from my announcement but total silence was not it, neither was the laughter which quickly followed.

"Is she now?" Craig laughed, the sound bitter and cruel. "Is she indeed?" Walking up to his wife Craig looked her square in the eyes. "So who's the daddy? Because it can't be me can it?"

"What?" I said, my head spinning with confusion, "But you've been trying… the IVF… it must be…"

"Yes John Paul," Craig said sarcastically as he clapped his hands together, "Yes we have… and do you know what that entails? No of course you don't, and why would you? Well let me just tell you this… I was never going to be the father of that woman's child... because I can't… But that was OK… sperm donor, I could live with that… only we're not that far into the cycle yet are we Helena? We're still only at the beginning this time… there's been no donor sperm mixed with my wife's eggs just yet… at least not by a doctor… So you see John Paul… there is NOTHING keeping me from walking out of that door and never looking back… nothing…"

I could feel my mouth working but no sounds came out, I stepped forward to try one last time to prevent Craig from leaving but it was useless as he pushed me out of the way, the door slamming closed behind him.

"John Paul I told you we thought the baby was mine," Nathan said quietly.

"Did you?" I asked, my mind in a whirl, I felt dazed and numb, a part of me wanted to run after Craig but my legs were heavy and felt welded to the floor. Nathan had said so much to me earlier that day but all I had been able to hear was the word 'pregnant'. Why hadn't I listened harder, why hadn't I said something sooner, why hadn't I been able to stop him from leaving?

I felt as if a switch had been flicked and my strength was gone. I had no reason to even stand upright anymore and with a barely audible sigh I let my body fall to the ground, I wasn't sure I ever had any intention of getting up again.


	5. Chapter 5

"Can I talk to him?"

It had been almost twenty-four hours since I'd seen Craig, since he'd walked out of my apartment and away from the people who had been lying to him.

My first instincts, once I had finally pulled myself up off the floor, had been to go after him, to try and reason with him, explain why I hadn't said anything when I found out. But I knew Craig Dean of old and one thing you could not do when he was angry was to make that man listen, if anything it could have made things worse, if worse was a possibility.

So I waited, counting off the hours on my watch as they passed from one to another, marking out the time till I could see him again.

I don't remember when Nathan and Helena left, they seemed to have faded away into the evening without me even being aware of it, but at that moment they had been the last people on my mind. I wouldn't have cared if I had never seen either of them again. If it hadn't been for them Craig would have been mine, he would have ended his marriage and chosen me, because he loved me. In the space of a few seconds everything changed and suddenly he didn't even feel like he could trust me. How could I get him back from that?

Helena looked composed and calm as she stood behind the bar in The Sailor and Mermaid, you wouldn't know that only the day before her life had drastically changed too, but then I guess that was the talent if you ran a pub, I'd seen it in Frankie Osborne many times in the past. Whatever happened in your life you still put on the makeup and gave the customers your brightest smile.

Helena's smile had faltered slightly as I approached and I expect she didn't know if I was there to kick up a fuss, but there had been enough of that already, I didn't want more.

"He's not in," Helena said in response to my question, her eyes darting around the room, looking anywhere but directly at me and I got some small satisfaction to see a flicker of guilt cross her face.

"Do you know when he'll be back?"

"No."

"Do you know where he is?"

"No."

"Helena please," I said calmly, "I need to talk to him… just tell me…"

"I can't," Helena said, her eyes finally making contact with mine and I was startled to see that, beneath the make up, which was worn far thicker than I had seen her in before, there was evidence that she had been crying. Although almost disguised I could still see the hint of red and, as she looked at me, fresh tears started to well before she blinked them away. "I don't know where he is…"

"Well he must have said…"

"I'm sorry John Paul," Helena said quietly, almost too quiet to hear, "When I got back yesterday he'd gone… half his clothes are missing… his passport… he's left…"

"Left?"

Such a small word but it held such strong implications. It meant it was over, it meant he was gone; it meant I didn't know what to do next.

"But he can't have just…" I couldn't finish my words; I couldn't finish the thought. This wasn't how it was supposed to work out, not this time.

"I'm sorry I… god everything's just such a mess… I shouldn't have reacted the way I did yesterday."

I hadn't noticed Helena stepping away from the bar but when she handed me a whiskey I accepted it gratefully, downing the golden liquid in one gulp in a vain hope that I would see the answer at the bottom of the glass.

"So why did you?" I asked her, it would have been so easy to blame her, to fly into a rage at the injustice but what good would it do, it was already too late. "Why the hell did you have a go at Craig like that… knowing what you've been doing...?"

"Do you know what it was like John Paul… when I found out that my husband's last serious relationship had been with another man? I found myself watching him… wondering, every time a good looking bloke was around I would be wondering if Craig fancied him… were they laughing a bit too hard… was my husband suddenly gonna turn around and run off with another man…"

"It doesn't work like that Helena," I said with a sigh, "You didn't wonder if Craig fancied every good looking woman that came into the bar so why every man?"

"I didn't say it was logical… but my husband… the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with had kept something that big from me… I might have betrayed him with Nathan but Craig's been lying to me since the day we met."

I sighed, I suddenly felt very weary like all of my strength had been sapped away. I didn't feel anger towards Helena, if anything maybe I felt some sympathy, sympathy for us all and the mess we found ourselves in.

"Why did you never say anything to him when you found out?" I asked. I don't know why I wanted to know, maybe I was just trying to distract myself with conversation but I was also curious to know about Craig's life before I found him again.

"I don't know," Helena said with a shrug, walking away to top up my glass and get a matching one of her own. "At first it was just the shock and then I thought that maybe it didn't really matter… the longer I left it the harder it seemed to mention and after a while I just put it to the back of my mind… and then there you were… the man in the photos, the man who'd written him those letters and I didn't know what to think… I mean he'd mentioned you before, before I knew the truth but just seeing you there like that… seeing you together… I just…" Helena shook her head in confusion as she sipped at her drink. "Why do you think I was trying to pair you off with Tony?"

"Tony?" I frowned in confusion uncertain where the young drummer might fit into all this.

"Yeah… I thought…" Helena laughed for a moment, a small self-derisive giggle as she tapped her pale pink fingernails against her glass. "I guess I thought that if you had someone, if he knew you were spoken for then Craig wouldn't want you…"

"I had no idea…"

"Didn't work like that though did it? I saw it that night you know… how jealous he looked when you were talking to Tony… I don't think he's ever looked at me like that."

"Is that why…" I stopped, not sure I should ask, not sure I was being fair.

"What?"

"Nathan… was he some kind of, I don't know, revenge? Punishment?"

"No... maybe. Maybe at first there was some of that. I'd seen the look in Craig's eyes when he saw you and it hurt, whatever he might have said I knew that you were more than the old uni mates he claimed, that things between you weren't finished… And then Nathan he… He was fun and handsome and charming… I didn't even realise I was falling for him until it was too late…"

"And you love him?"

"Yes… yes I really do."

"And Craig?"

"I do love Craig," Helena said with a sadly wistful smile, "But it's not the same… not anymore… at first things with Craig were great but that's changed… the IVF and everything, it put a strain on us… I found myself wondering if he even really wanted a baby or if it was just to keep me happy, to keep Frankie happy!"

I couldn't hold back a laugh at the mention of Craig's mother. There would be no doubting the fact that she would approve of the idea of Craig's life including a wife and child, no matter what. Just like I knew that having me in his life would be the last thing Frankie Osborne would want, I couldn't help but wonder if this time she might get her way, at least as far as I was concerned.

"And the baby's really Nathan's?" I asked.

"It couldn't be anyone else's…"

"I thought… I though you were being careful, Nate said…"

"Accidents happen John Paul… even when you're careful… and maybe this is a blessing really…"

"How do you mean?"

"I don't think Craig ever really wanted to be a father to another man's child, I'm not sure he wanted to be a father at all… but if this baby had been from the IVF I think he would have felt obliged to stay – and that wouldn't have done any of us any good, not really."

"Craig he… he wasn't cheating on you from the start you know… I mean we weren't…" Rubbing at my eyes I felt my weariness growing deeper. "He was trying to do the right thing… I guess it was just…"

"You have to give in to your heart eventually?"

"Yeah… something like that…"

Looking at Helena I felt I understood her better, it would have been easy to paint her as the villain of the piece but she hadn't wanted to hurt Craig any more than he had her, but sometimes you do have to follow your heart.

"I should go," I said with a sigh. "If you hear from Craig…"

"I'll ask him to call you…"

Turning to leave I paused for a moment. "Nathan's a good man," I said with a genuine smile. "Look after him."

"I intend to."

* * *

My apartment felt strange when I got back home. Cold and empty, as if something was missing. But it wasn't the rooms that I wandered between that were lacking anything, they were the same as they had always been, almost the same as the day I moved in, it was me. I was what was cold and empty.

I couldn't settle for even a few minutes. I made a sandwich that I couldn't eat, washing down the one mouthful I had managed with a sip of tea that I had left too long and it had grown cold.

For the umpteenth time I dialled Craig's mobile number and, as every time before since returning home, it had cut directly to his voice mail.

"Hi this is Craig," the recording of my lovers voice said, "I'm not here so you know, leave a message."

With a sigh I hung up and, kicking off my shoes in the middle of the living room, I padded into the bedroom, pulling open a drawer that I didn't even know I was heading for until the old battered shoe box had been lifted out and I was perched on the edge of my bed looking at it.

A memory box my mother had once called such an item, a place to store all of your precious memories so that you might never lose them. Lifting off the lid I looked at the things inside, things I hadn't seen for a long time but had also never been able to throw away. Or maybe it was that I had never wanted to throw them away.

The shoebox was filled with so many silly, unimportant things, but each one linked me back to my past, back to a time when I believed that love was enough. I leafed slowly through a collection of notes that Craig had left pinned to the fridge door in our Dublin apartment whenever he'd had to go to work early, scrawled little messages to say that he loved me and he would be back home soon, I wanted one of those notes now. I wanted to know he was coming back.

Beneath the notes I found an old strip of photographs with a love heart and a kiss scrawled on the back. I couldn't help but smile at the two young boys who grinned back at me from the glossy coloured paper, laughing and joking in the photo booth, happy just to be enjoying their time together.

I don't remember when it was that I knew I was in love with Craig Dean, it was something that grew with knowing him, a friendship becoming something more, something better, until it made my heart feel ready to burst. But I knew the second that I saw him again after all that time that I had never stopped loving him, I never would.

Looking at the photographs I wished so much that I could tell that young blue eyed boy not to give up, not to walk away, that whatever happened and however much it might hurt it would be worth it in the end. Craig would be worth it.

I was surprised when the photographs began to blur and it wasn't until I blinked that I realised why, as warm tears began to run down my face. How many times could I lose the same man?

Laying the photographs back in the box I pulled my mobile phone from my pocket and dialled Craig's number. I couldn't give up again. Not again.

"Hi this is Craig," Craig's voice repeated to me, "I'm not here so you know, leave a message."

"Hi… Hi Craig… it's… erm well it's me…" I stammered, my fingers shaking as I held my phone tight to my ear. "I know you're upset and angry and hurt but please Craig don't just walk away, not over this… I made a mistake, I know that now, but we can get past this…we can… I never meant to hurt you and I know I should have told you about Helena and Nathan, I should and I'm sorry but… but I did it for the right reasons… Craig Dean I love you, more than I have ever loved anyone… more than I ever could… and I couldn't bare the thought that I might never see you again. I miss you Craig, it's only been a day and I miss you… without you here… I can't… I don't… I'm not complete. You complete me… you make it all worthwhile. I'm sat here… at home… and I've never felt so lost in my life, so lonely… I can't believe that you might be gone… Please Craig call me, meet me… don't let this be the end… You love me, I know you do… and I love you, so much… anything else we can face together remember… Craig please I…" Closing my eyes I let out a small sigh, what else could I say? "Just call me or… or something… I love you Craig… I love you."

* * *

Other than the ticking clocks I couldn't remember when I last heard anything. It was as if the world was holding its breath, waiting for something. I paced my empty apartment with no real destination in mind as an intense restlessness gripped me. The daylight faded as it became evening, which in turn transformed into night and then before I knew it the first rays of morning were creeping up on me, taunting me with the start of a bright new day.

Standing at my window I could see the sun begin to rise over the rooftops, its golden light slowly creeping over the city, basking it in its warmth. It should have been a beautiful sight, breathtaking as the daylight broke the night's hold of the skies and illuminated the world with a myriad of reds and golds. A dancing rainbow of colours to replace the darkness of the long cold night.

But I saw no beauty in the arrival of a new day and I felt no warmth from the suns early rays. Shivering I turned from the window, the new morning held no promises for me.

Rubbing wearily at my eyes I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror and was startled by what I saw. My normally fair complexion seemed to be almost tinged with grey, the blue of my eyes lost amidst the dark circles that surrounded them, the first showing of stubble darkened my chin and my hair stood out at unruly angles due to the number of times I had run my hands through it in frustration, the gel holding it in position wherever it was left. Looking into my own eyes though I knew that I didn't look as bad as I felt, I couldn't. My chest ached with an emptiness that took me right back to Dublin and the last time I had let Craig walk away without a fight.

What was wrong with me? Why could I not hold on to the one person who meant more to me than anything and anyone in the whole world?

Yawning loudly I realised that I felt bone weary and in need of sleep, although I was sure such a respite would elude me, the idea of curling up and hiding away under my duvet at least held some appeal.

Without bothering to undress I crawled into my bed, burrowing into the soft duvet like a hibernating animal, curling up into the smallest ball possible, my arms wrapping around myself in the search for comfort that could not be found.

Curled into the warmth of my bed the weight of my eyelids suddenly seemed impossible and I could no longer hold off my body's need for sleep, the darkness quickly enveloping me until I was released from my own consciousness and at last I was granted some peace.

I don't know how long I slept, minutes or hours, I had no idea of the hour when I took to my bed and so had no concept of how much time had passed when I awoke with a start.

It took a moment for the source of my rude awakening to become clear in my foggy brain, the strange high-pitched tone and rattle finally translating into the vibrating alert of my mobile telling me I had received a text message.

Groping for my phone as it repeated its dance on my bedside table I cursed as my fingers connected with it only to knock it to the floor. With I sigh I leaned from my bed, hanging over the edge like a child trying to escape its highchair, to finally catch hold of my phone and focus on the brightly glowing screen, its display seeming somehow brighter in the dull muted light of my room. One word. One name. Craig.

The sight of his name made me fumble, the phone falling from my fingers and bouncing gently against the carpet as I leant further from my bed to retrieve it, almost falling to the floor in the process.

Virtually hanging upside down from my bed my fingers trembled as I pressed the keys to access Craig's words. Fear and excitement coursing through every fibre of my body and beyond, he could be agreeing to talk to me or he could be telling me to leave him alone for good. As his words were finally revealed I had my answer.

"Meet me at 12pm." He wanted to see me, it was no guarantee but it was a start, Craig still wanted to see me and this time I had no intention of letting him walk away without a fight. "If you're late I won't wait."

Looking at the time I saw it was only 10am. I had two hours to get to the coffee bar as instructed at the end of Craig's text. I would be there in one.

With a sudden cry of surprised I toppled from my bed, finally over balancing as I read and re-read Craig's message but I had no time to stop, no time to nurse my head where it had collided with the edge of my bedside cabinet. I had to shower, shave and change. I had to get ready. I had to get my man back.

* * *

Fourty-five minutes after falling from my bed I was walking down the quiet street towards the coffee bar, it didn't seem so long since I had last arranged to meet Craig there but I hoped that this meeting would be more successful than that one had been.

Half an hour earlier, as I pondered over what to wear before settling on a simple combination of jeans and black shirt, I had realised I should have been at work. Not only was I incredibly late but it had never even crossed my mind that I should be there, the realities of my life had been lost under the haze of loss and then hope.

Fumbling with my phone in one hand as I attempted to dress I called Alan, a million different lame excuses running through my mind unsure of what I would tell him until his voice came on the line.

"John Paul," Alan said in greeting, his voice bright which somewhat put my mind at rest, at least I wasn't in trouble or I hoped I wasn't. "Good of you to phone… I was beginning to think you'd been abducted."

"Yeah Alan, I'm really sorry… it's just… well it's just…" I could have lied, told him I was unwell or had a family emergency but as I spoke I realised I didn't want to do that, I had more respect for the man I worked for than to fabricate the reason for my absence. "Something's come up… something personal, and I know I should have phoned sooner but… well I just… if I'm honest I didn't think…"

"And that's it?" Alan replied coolly, "That's your excuse for not being in work… something came up?"

"Look I know I'm out of order and, well if you want to fire me then that's up to you… but this is something I have to sort out because if I don't… well I just have to…"

"Don't be stupid John Paul," Alan said with a kind laugh, "Course I don't want to fire you… hell I can't even remember the last time you were off sick never mind all the unpaid overtime you've put in… but in the future I would at least appreciate a call before 10.15 in the morning!"

"Sure thing Alan and sorry…"

"Jeeze I don't know what's going on today," Alan sighed, almost to himself, "First Nathan now you…"

Before I could ask what Nathan had to do with anything Alan had hung up and I didn't have time to ponder his words, I had a date to keep.

The coffee bar was almost empty as I entered and ordered a tea. Looking at my watch I noticed that I was fifty minutes early. Fifty minutes to sit and wait and ponder and brood. And that is exactly what I did. I imagined every possible scenario, from Craig falling into my arms to him punching me in the face, and everything in between. The truth was though, I had no idea what to expect and, as I sipped on my third drink, I was getting exceedingly anxious.

Midday came… and went, with no sign of Craig. As my eyes darted between my watch and the door I couldn't help but wonder if he had no intention of coming, was he punishing me by leaving me sitting there alone? Or maybe he had just changed his mind; decided I wasn't worth the effort.

As fifteen minutes late turned into twenty I felt my hopes begin to fade. He wasn't coming, for whatever reason Craig wasn't going to show and I should just save myself any more embarrassment by getting up and leaving. The waitress had already looked at me with such pity as she brought over my fourth mug of tea, she knew I'd been stood up, could probably see it written all over my face. But I still didn't get up and leave. While there was even a hint of a breath of a chance I couldn't give up, if I did I would always be left wondering and I think that would have been harder to live with than knowing he never turned up.

Holding my fresh drink in both hands I felt the heat seeping through the ceramic of the mug to almost burn my hands, but I didn't put it down, instead I held it close to my face so that I could breath in the steam as I looked out of the window onto the street beyond.

The afternoon was bright and I could see the sunshine reflecting from car windscreens as they passed by, the occasional pedestrian walked past with a smile on their face as they felt the warming rays of the sun on their skin. It was turning into a beautiful day but to me it was growing darker by the minute.

"Sorry I'm late."

I jumped slightly in my seat, the tea slopping over the edge of the mug and burning my hands. I yelped as I put down my drink and wiped the hot liquid off my skin with a paper napkin. I had been so caught up in my thoughts, so lost in the misery of Craig not coming, that I didn't hear the coffee bar's door open and I didn't see the dark haired man approach my table.

"That's… that's ok," I stammered as Craig took the seat opposite me. His face was still, impassive, and I wasn't sure what he was thinking or feeling. For the first time in my memory Craig seemed to be closed to me. I had always been able to read him, to know what he was feeling, to feel it myself, but as his deep brown eyes looked at me it was almost as if he was a stranger and I felt a whole new wave of uncertainty consume me. What if what we had was changed permanently, if the Craig I loved had been destroyed by my betrayal?

"I got delayed I…" Craig shrugged at me as he ordered a coffee from the waitress. The young woman, probably little more than a teenager, gave me a bright smile before walking away to get Craig's drink, obviously pleased for me that my 'date' had arrived. I wanted to feel pleased too, but what I actually felt was terrified. Right down to my very core I was gripped with a blind panic and an unfathomable certainty that I'd lost him. But worse than lost, I'd driven him away.

"It doesn't matter…"

"I wasn't sure you'd still be here…"

"No?"

"I'm glad you are though."

"Are you?" I realised I was staring down into my drink and with a deep breath I lifted my gaze to Craig's, his deep penetrating stare stealing the air from my lungs and making me tremble in my seat.

"Of course I…" Craig paused and I saw a flash of uncertainty cross his face making me realise that he was as unsure of things as me and that at least gave me a small glimmer of hope. If he was uncertain then maybe he hadn't decided he hated me yet.

"I'm sorry," I said quietly, quickly hiding my face behind my drink as I sipped at the hot drink I really didn't want.

"You should have told me," Craig replied simply after the waitress had placed his drink before him and walked away. "I deserved to know John Paul…"

"I know… I know…" I said, my eyes returning to the surface of my drink, staring at the brown liquid was easier than seeing the look of hurt in Craig's eyes.

"I mean I know it can't have been easy for you," Craig continued, his fingers curled around his coffee mug, "And I know that your loyalties must have been torn but…"

"No," I interrupted. "That's not… it wasn't… Craig this wasn't about Nathan…"

"Look I know he's your friend and obviously you wanted to do right by him…"

"No," I repeated. "I mean yes, yes he's my friend… but he wasn't why I didn't say anything not… not really…"

"I don't get it," Craig said with a shrug, "If it wasn't to protect your friend then why?"

"I…" I felt my cheeks begin to flush under Craig's steady gaze and I raised my mug back in front of my face as a shield while I struggled to find the words to explain. "It's just that… I mean yeah it would have always been better coming from Helena rather than me, and maybe that was a part of it but…"

"But?" Craig shook his head with non-comprehension. "John Paul you knew what I was going though, facing having to end my marriage, and yet you kept the one thing from that that would have made it so much easier, one word from you John Paul and we could have been together… or is that it? Have you decided that's not what you want anymore?"

"What? No, god no," I felt my eyes widen at the very suggestion, I couldn't let him believe that for another second but explaining the real reason for my actions would be much harder.

"So what… cause this is making no sense at all… if I had known about Helena and Nathan it would have made it so much easier to walk away…"

"I know," I said quietly, putting my drink down and lacing my fingers in front of me on the table, fighting the urge to reach out and take his hand, "I know it would but… but I… I needed to know…"

"What? What John Paul… what did you need to know?"

"That… that you chose me," I whispered, my teeth catching my lip as I chewed against it with uncertainty. He had chosen me, only a short time before he learned of my betrayal and I couldn't bare the thought that that no longer held true.

"But I did…" Craig said slowly.

"Yes… yes you did… but don't you see that…" I paused and ran my hands over my face, "If you'd known… then you wouldn't have."

"What? John Paul you're not making sense… of course I would… I would have chosen you sooner…"

"But you wouldn't," I replied somewhat sadly, "Yes I expect you would have come to me, but would it have been you choice Craig or because the choice was taken from you? Don't you see… I would never have known if you were only with me because of Helena had left you…"

"It would never have been like that…"

"No? You chose her once, how could I know you wouldn't do that again?"

"What?" Craig's eyes were filled with confusion as he tried to make sense of my words. "I didn't… … I never… John Paul I never… I don't understand what you mean…"

"You told me Craig," I said, pushing my drink away and reaching my hands across the table but stopping just short of touching him.

"I don't… no… no I never… when did I say that?"

"You said you almost came to look for me," I told him, as the memory of his words took a hold of me. "You said you almost did but then you met Helena and it was easier…"

"Well… well yeah it was but…"

"But nothing Craig," I said with a half smile, "You chose to stay with Helena, and that's OK… I mean I understand… it had never been easy for us and there was no way of knowing things would ever be different so why wouldn't you stay… take the easy life?"

"Is that what you think?" Craig asked, his hand suddenly covering mine and making me take in a gasp of breath at the unexpected touch. "That I chose her over you?"

"Isn't that what happened?"

"No… yes… maybe… not really…"

"Well as long as you're clear about that then Craig," I laughed gently, Craig's laugh mixing with mine as he shook his head slowly.

"It wasn't that clear cut though John Paul," Craig began, "I mean yes I wanted to find you… so many times… but where did I look? Where would I start… would you have even wanted me if I did? So yes, maybe I did chose an easier life, but not because I wanted Helena more than I wanted you… I guess I was just scared of wanting something I could never have… of going through that pain again…" Craig's fingers gripped tightly to mine. "And didn't you do the same John Paul? Didn't you choose an easier life? You never came to find me either… if you hadn't walked into the pub that night would we even be here now?"

"I… I wanted to… to find you…" I stammered as I looked into the liquid chocolate pools of Craig's eyes and saw the man I loved shining from the again. "I wanted to… and no I didn't look either… but then I didn't find someone else…"

"But that's not the point though John Paul, not really… I didn't choose Helena, not really… I guess I chose what she represented… the easy life… the life without all the complications… but it was never the right choice and it was never the life I wanted…"

"No?"

"No."

"So what is?"

"You lied to me John Paul," Craig said, his gaze unfaltering and his grip still tight, "And that hurt more than…" Craig laughed slightly, "More than my wife's betrayal… I thought I could never forgive you… I thought I never wanted to see you again…"

"And now… do you think you can forgive me now?"

Craig's grip tightened even more, until he was almost crushing my fingers but I wasn't about to complain.

"Tell me you're sorry for it John Paul…"

"I am… I am so sorry…"

"Tell me that you love me…"

"I do… more than anything and anyone…"

"And now tell me that you forgive me…"

"Forgive YOU?" I repeated in confusion, "What for?"

"For running out when I should have stayed and talked… for giving up when it gets too hard…"

"On one condition," I replied with a wide smile.

"And what's that…"

"That you forgive me for being an idiot and letting you go…"

"Deal!"

"Craig Dean I do love you," I said with a grin as I leant over the table towards him.

"You'd better," Craig replied, leaning forward towards me, "Cause it looks like you're stuck with me."

Our lips met gently, briefly, a chaste kiss that was heavy with the promise of more to come, so much more. As we broke apart Craig ran his hand lightly over my face, touching at my cheeks, my lips, my chin and my forehead, as if examining each part with affection. As his fingers brushed over my temple I winced at a sudden pain and pulled back.

"John Paul you've got a nasty bruise coming there… what have you done?" Craig asked with concern.

Reaching up to my temple I couldn't remember for a moment any recent incident that would have wounded me so. And then it came back to me and I couldn't help but laugh.

"I fell out of bed!" I told him amidst my giggle.

"Yeah?" Craig said, his eyes dancing with amusement, "Well I'm going to have to make sure that doesn't happen again!"

* * *

The walk back to my apartment was such a stark contrast to the journey I had made only a short time earlier. It was as if the world were suddenly brighter, filled with hope and promises of a good tomorrow and, as Craig's fingers curled naturally around mind, I knew that everything was going to be all right.

By the time I slid the key into my front door the hint of a headache that had been blossoming around my temples for the past hour had bloomed into full blown agony that sent shooting pains and flashing lights through my brain every time I moved my eyes.

As we fell contentedly side by side onto my sofa I tried to hide my discomfort from Craig. I had come so very close to losing him again and I didn't want to ruin the moment by complaining of a headache. But I could not keep from wincing in pain as a few rays of bright sunlight seemed to pierce my brain, the ache making my head spin with a disorientating dizziness.

"Are you all right?" Craig asked, his voice heavy with concern as he placed one hand gently against my cheek.

"Just a headache," I replied, trying my best to play down the increasing levels of pain that were assaulting me.

"You look awful," Craig continued, his cool palm momentarily giving some small relief as he pressed it to my forehead.

"Thanks," I said trying to laugh but the pain made it come out more of a strained whimper.

"No really," Craig said, "You've gone so pale… and that bruise is really coming out now… John Paul you've got one hell of a lump there… how hard did you hit your head when you fell?"

"I… I really don't remember… I was just in a rush to get out of bed!"

"Well I think you need to get back into it… have you got some painkillers?"

"Yeah," I replied, "Bathroom cabinet…"

"I'll get them and then you're going to bed…"

"Any excuse to get me between the sheets," I joked.

"I'm serious," Craig said in a grave voice, "I've half a mind to take you into hospital…"

"Now you're over reacting…"

"You've hit your head John Paul… you could have concussion or anything…"

"I'll be fine," I assured Craig as he got to his feet and headed to the bathroom, "I just need a bit of a sleep."

I smiled at him and, despite the searing headache and the spots of grey that clouded my eyes from a dizziness that I just couldn't take, I was so happy that I knew if I died that very night I would go to my grave the happiest of men.

Sitting back I closed my eyes and rested my head against the back of the sofa in a vain attempt to stop the room from spinning as I listened to Craig moving about my apartment, the sound of the cupboard doors opening in the kitchen as he searched for a glass and then the sound of running water as he filled it.

"Here you go," Craig said gently as he placed two small chalky discs in my hand, holding out the glass of cool water to me so that I could wash down the painkillers.

"Thank you."

"Now come on… bed." Holding onto my arm Craig helped me to my feet, I stumbled slightly as a fresh wave of dizziness and nausea over took me, but Craig's hold was firm and his support prevented me from falling as he slowly guided my into my bedroom.

I was grateful for the subdued lighting of my room as I once again crawled under my duvet still fully clothed save for the shoes I kicked off at the side of my bed.

"You'll stay wont you?" I asked as I gratefully let my head sink into the softness of my pillows.

"I'm not going anywhere," Craig assured me, brushing a soft kiss across my lips. "You just get some sleep… and if you're not better in a couple of hours I am taking you to hospital."

"I'll be fine now…"

Closing my eyes I felt a contentment the likes of which I could not recall, not even the pain that seemed to pulse through my brain with each heartbeat could take away the feeling of joy in knowing that, as I lay in the quiet dark of my bedroom, the man I loved was in the next room and I planned to never let him go again.

When I awoke some time later I was relieved to find that the worst of the crippling pain had eased and, as I raised my head from the pillow, I was no longer assaulted by a fierce wave of nausea.

Pulling myself upright in my bed I was just about to call out to Craig, a small niggling worry in the back of my mind just needing to check he was still there, when I heard the sound of a hushed voice.

"I'm really sorry Helena," Craig said quietly talking, I assumed, into his telephone. "Yeah, yeah I know… I don't… yeah but I just think… me too… no I never meant… yeah I understand… I hope so… yeah I'll see you soon… no, no of course I don't mind… OK I'll give you a call later… Bye Hel…"

My throat suddenly felt incredibly dry and I couldn't swallow. Despite only hearing Craig's half of the conversation my mind was already filling in the blanks and, regardless of what I knew to be true, I was gripped with the dread that Craig and his wife had decided to give their marriage another try.

My hand was shaking as I reached out to the glass of water that Craig had left by my bed, knocking it to the floor with a dull thud.

"You're awake," Craig said as he stood in the doorway silhouetted against the light of the room behind him, his features hidden in shadows so that I could not read his expression.

"Yeah, just," I replied, squinting my eyes at the brightness of the light and rubbing at my temples as the remainder of my headache pulsed in them.

"How you feeling?" Moving to sit on the edge of my bed Craig tilted his head as he looked at me, his lips curved in a soft smile as he touched his hand to my forehead. "You look a lot better…"

"Yeah, yeah I am," I agreed, "It's nearly all gone now…"

"But?"

"What?"

"The tone of your voice," Craig said, "It sounded like there was a but coming…"

"Oh… no… no… I… no there's nothing…"

"John Paul!" Craig's smile widened as his fingers laced casually around mine, "I know you well enough to know when you want to say something… so come on out with it…"

"It's nothing, really… I should get up… and I've knocked water all over the place… I need to clean it up…"

"It's only water," Craig said without moving, "It'll wait… and you're not going anywhere till you tell me what's bothering you…"

"Nothing… really… just this headache…"

"John Paul McQueen," Craig cupped my face with his hands, his touch making my heart race as his eyes observed me levelly, not just looking at me but into me, the deep chocolate brown pools shining with the love and understanding of the man who was holding my soul as surely as he was holding my face. "Let's not start out on a lie eh?"

I felt my cheeks flush under Craig's gaze, like a schoolboy caught cheating on a test, and I knew it was pointless to try and lie but more than that I didn't want to. Craig was right; we needed to be sure of each other, we couldn't afford any more lies. It was time to be honest, no matter how silly it might be from now on I had to tell him what was on my mind.

"I… I heard you on the phone," I said quietly.

"Ok," Craig replied, his hands slowly slipping from my face until they came to rest against my chest.

"You were talking to Helena?"

"Yeah I was…"

"Are you…"

"What?"

"Are you going back?"

"Back?" Craig asked with a frown before the meaning of my words penetrated his mind, "Back to Helena?"

"Yeah well you… you kept saying you were sorry and… and that you'd see her soon…" Even as I spoke I knew how ridiculous I was being and how Craig's words held no hidden meanings.

"John Paul, John Paul," Craig shook his head slowly, his eyes bright and alive with a smile that shone through him. "I am going around to see her soon…"

"Oh…"

"To pick up the rest of my things…"

"Oh!"

"My marriage is over John Paul… and I can't say that I'm happy about that as such… when I married Helena I did believe it would be forever but… but it was never right, not really… how could it be when I had never stopped loving someone else?"

"You didn't?"

"You know I didn't… Nothing has ever equalled what we had… what we have… I'm just sorry that we wasted so long working that out…"

"Better late than never!" I said with a laugh. The last of my doubts were blown away, Craig's words and Craig's love replacing any uncertainty until I knew that this time the two of us would make it. We'd both been through too much to ever give up again, we'd tried life apart and we never wanted to go back there.

"And I think you should call Nathan," Craig said, his voice taking on a sudden air of gravity.

"Nathan? Why?" I asked, my chest gripped with concern for my friend. No matter what had happened I would always consider that man my friend.

"Helena's not pregnant…"

"But she… we…" I shook my head as I tried to understand until another thought came to me. "It's not because of… I mean she didn't lose it cause of what went on? All the upset?"

"No nothing like that," Craig reassured me as he saw the concern in my eyes. "She never was… it was a false alarm… but she is pretty gutted. And I think Nathan would appreciate the support of his friend."

"I'll call him later," I said. I knew that my friendship with Nathan would never be what it once was, but he would always be important to me and I would never forget the friendship we had once shared. "Oh and Craig…"

"Hmm?"

"If you're moving the rest of your things out of the pub… where exactly are you planning to live?"

Craig looked around my bedroom as if appraising the location before speaking. "I thought here was quite nice…" he said with a grin.

"You think it's big enough for two?"

"I'm sure we could manage…"

"Or…"

"Or?"

Chewing on my bottom lip thoughtfully for a second I considered my words carefully. But somehow it seemed right, if Craig agreed. A new start, a new life, a new us.

"We could get our own place," I suggested with a smile.

"Yeah, yeah we could," Craig agreed, "Were you thinking of anywhere in particular?"

"Maybe… I mean if you want… if you don't then that's OK but I just though… somewhere new… it's not like you have a job here now that you've left the pub so…"

"Come on John Paul spit it out!"

"How d'you fancy Los Angeles?"

"What?"

"You and me in the city of angels… what d'you reckon?"

With a laugh Craig leaned forward and kissed me deeply, his eyes burning into mine with intensity as he pulled back. "When should I pack?"

* * *

It hadn't taken much effort to get Alan to transfer me to the new LA offices, although I hadn't expected the promotion he then offered me along with the move. As a man who often trusted his gut instinct and acted accordingly Alan not only agreed to me moving to the Los Angeles office but he also asked me to run it for him. From the moment I stepped off the plane in America I was, for all intents and purposes, the man in charge. Even if any of the major decisions still had to be approved by the overall boss. His faith in me was overwhelming and I planned to do everything in my power to prove that he had made the right decision.

Craig had quickly found work in a financial firm in downtown LA, something that suited him far more than working behind a bar ever could, and so, only a few months after making the suggestion we were standing in our new apartment, surrounded by packing cases, suffering from jet lag, and feeling like the two luckiest men in the world.

Craig's deep chocolate eyes held hints of tiredness about them, his pale blue denim shirt was wrinkled and only half tucked into his black jeans and the two day old stubble was prominent on his face, although I knew that would have to go before he started work. He looked like a man who had just spent several hours on a plane. He looked like the most gorgeous creation in the world and I couldn't quite believe he was going to be the man I would wake up with every morning for the rest of my life.

"Here we are then," Craig said as he slipped an arm around my shoulders and turned me towards the window.

The vast panoramic view was breathtaking. The hustle and bustle of city life being played out several stories below us and the whole of the City of Angels laid out at our feet.

It really was more than just a new beginning. It was the start of a new dream, our dream. It was a whole new us.

"Craig?" I said quietly as I rested my head against his shoulder while we surveyed the city that was now our home.

"Hmm?"

"Did I mention…"

"Mention what?"

"Just how much I love you?"

Turning to face me Craig smiled widely. "Can't remember," he said as he slid his hands around my waist and pulled me close into his arms. "Maybe you'd better tell me again."

"I can do better than that," I said as I began to cover his face with kisses, "How about I show you…"

"Bedroom?" Craig asked.

"Yeah," I agreed as I pushed him up against the window and pulled his shirt free from his jean, "Eventually. But we do have a whole apartment to enjoy."

"The whole apartment?" Craig laughed, his laughter becoming more breathy as I released his zip and eased one hand slowly into his boxers.

"To start with," I said before kissing my boyfriend so hard I thought I might bruise our lips, but the desire inside me was so intense, so complete that I almost felt like I needed to consume him.

Craig groaned into our kiss as my hand began to massage his growing erection, my other hand sinking into the hair at the nape of his neck and pulling against it.

Craig's hands were splayed flat against the cool glass of the window, our tongues dancing together in the heat of our kiss and our hearts pounding fit to burst.

"John Paul…" Craig panted as my mouth moved from his to trail over the deliciously sharp stubble that scratched against my tongue and then down to suck against the sweet flesh of his neck.

"Mmm?"

"You do realise we're still stood in front of the window?"

Opening my eyes I looked from my lovers face to the large window behind him.

"Yeah," I said simply, my mouth quickly returning to feast on Craig's neck.

"Oh… OK…" Craig replied, seemingly to quickly forget about the window as I trailed my mouth down over his chest, opening his shirt button by button as I went, until I was finally able to push the garment from his shoulders and let it fall to the floor. Craig gasped as the cool glass touched against his back. He gasped even louder as I slid to my knees and eased down his jeans, the heat of my breath passing over his cock.

"I could stop if you want," I teased, lapping my tongue over the head of his cock for a moment to catch the sweet droplets of precum that were already beginning to weep from it. I couldn't imagine ever getting used to the feeling that I get knowing that Craig wants me, that I can reduce his whole body to a quivering pile of desire, much as he does to me.

"Don't… you … dare…" Craig panted as he slid his hands into my hair, pushing his hips forward until the head of his cock was pressed against my lips.

I was half tempted to resist Craig's longing for my mouth to open to him but my own desire to taste the man was too great and instead I sucked against the head of his cock, flicking my tongue against its sensitive end to the sounds of Craig's appreciative moans.

Slowly I descended, Craig's cock filling my mouth, the scent of his sweat in my nostrils the deeper I took him into me. I gagged slightly as the head of Craig's cock hit the back of my throat but it wasn't enough to make me want to stop, I don't think there was anything on this earth that would ever make me want to stop.

Bobbing my head up and down I licked and sucked against the hard juicy erection that was mine alone to enjoy, feasting on its meat and drinking its sweet salty elixir as Craig's moans increased steadily in volume, his hands against my head trembling as they held on to me.

Craig began to pant my name over and over, its sound like a beautiful piece of orchestration, the most wonderful music in the world singing in my ears as Craig repeatedly declared his love.

Moistening my fingers in the corner of my mouth I reached around Craig's body and began to massage first his arse cheeks and then the tight hot opening nestled between, swirling my finger round and round gently until a little more pressure granted me access to the intimacy of my lover's body.

Craig gasped as I eased one finger deep into him, his hands falling to my shoulders to steady himself, his body shuddering and his cock throbbing heavily in my mouth. With a practiced ease I pushed my finger deeper, massaging against his prostate, knowing that he would not be able to hold back for another moment.

There was a loud slap of skin against glass as Craig's hands slammed behind him, his head thrown back in ecstasy and cries of pleasure and his cock releasing its excited load deep into the back of my throat, a hot sticky goodness that I devoured with total relish.

Once I was sure that Craig was completely spent I slowly released his pleasured cock from the vacuum of my mouth and got to my feet, wiping a few stray droplets of come from my lips as I stood.

"You are a very bad man John Paul McQueen," Craig said with a breathy laugh.

"Don't know what you mean," I replied with a wide smile.

"Christ knows what that will have looked like from outside, it's a good job we're not on the ground floor…"

"Well there are some apartment windows just across the street," I teased, nodding behind my somewhat dishevelled looking lover.

Turning his head Craig's cheeks flushed as he realised that anyone across the street would have been able to witness exactly what we had been doing, albeit a limited view.

Craig laughed with a mixture of amusement and embarrassment, the sound muted when I pressed my mouth back to his, hard. Craig's tongue filled my mouth, tasting himself in me, the stubble on his cheeks scratching delightfully at my skin as I groaned a deep rumble that vibrated in my throat.

My cock was so hard and desperate by now that I was surprised it hadn't burst free from my jeans of its own accord, it was a miracle that the stitching was enough to hold it in.

"You are so fucking hot," I panted into Craig's ear as his hands began to pull at my zipper, finally releasing my painfully hard erection with a touch that was almost enough to make me come there and then. "I want you so bad…"

"There is no way I'm letting you fuck me up against a window!" Craig said with a throaty laugh, although there was something in his voice that made me think given a bit of persuasion I could be doing exactly that and the idea excited me intensely.

"You do know I'm going to do just that one day," I said, pulling Craig away from the window; that would have to be a pleasure for another day.

I quickly directed Craig to lie face down on the sofa, the only piece of furniture so far not still stacked with boxes, stuffing cushions under his middle until his arse was presented to me like an offering for worship, and worship it I would.

Kneeling behind my dark haired lover I parted his soft round arse cheeks and delved my tongue deep inside. His opening already relaxed by my previous attentions quickly welcomed the intrusion of my tongue, but my desire was too great and I couldn't wait any longer.

Wrapping my fingers around the length of my cock I positioned it against his hole and pushed, gently at first, easing in a little before pulling out, watching as his arse opened up to me more and more until it allowed me to be consumed completely.

I froze for a moment, my cock buried deep inside the man I loved more than I had ever or would ever love again, my body was trembling with a climax that was already only a moment away such was that man's effect on me.

"Fuck me John Paul," Craig breathed softly, his voice the most erotic thing I had ever heard, "Come inside me… I want you…"

How could I resist? Why would I even try?

Gripping onto Craig's hips I began to thrust back and forward, slowly at first, savouring every inch of that man's tight flesh but I needed more, I needed to do what he was begging me to with every breath and it didn't take long before I was ready to do just that.

Crying out Craig's name I slammed my cock hard and fast into him, watching with delight as his arse gripped my cock perfectly making me come so quickly that my head spun and I held onto him tightly, bucking my hips over and over as I poured out my desire into his welcoming body before collapsing on top of him completely spent, kissing lightly at his neck and whispering my love.

"Well that's one room done," Craig panted with a laugh. "Which one next?"

* * *

I don't know what time it was when I woke up. My body ached with the combined exertion of attempting to "christen" every room in our new apartment combined with the rather more mundane but practical needs of unpacking those items that could not be left indefinitely boxed.

It had been gone midnight when we finally crawled, exhausted but satisfied, into our bed, pulling the soft duvet over us and falling into a blissful slumber within minutes.

Neither of us had had the strength to close the bedroom curtains before getting into bed and, as I lay in the quiet dark of the room, I watched Craig sleeping by the ethereal glow of the moon. I don't think I had ever seen anything more beautiful in my whole life and my heart sang with perfect contentment.

On the eve of my 34th birthday I had considered my life and came to the conclusion that it was pretty damn good.

Little had I known at that point I would once again meet the only man who had ever been able to turn my life upside down with a single smile.

On the eve of my 34th birthday I had considered my life and came to the conclusion that it was pretty damn good. Only a six months later it was perfect.


End file.
